In a dark meeting of brands, David Hasselhoff agreed to an interview with Yahoo! about his forthcoming Vine ad campaign for Clorox (yes). The Hoff sees himself as the perfect fit for six-second advertisements for cleaning products, and allowing him to explain why and how was a mistake.

Writer Robert Kessler (a former Gawker intern) provides what ultimately proves to be an inadequate preface to the horrors of this interview:

This interview sort of got away from me. David Hasselhoff is like a freight train, you cannot control it, but only hope to use its surplus of energy for good.

Here we go.

Kessler asks, "I was hoping you could explain this partnership with Clorox a little bit to me." Perhaps having heard a different question, a silent question, Hasslelhoff answers something else entirely.

The tone of this thing is a lot of fun. You know, my name is Hasselhoff, so I took the "hassel" out of the "hoff," and I [became] The Hoff. Now I'm taking the hassle out of cleaning and it's a way to kind of interact with my fans and get in people's faces in a fun way.

That...seems like a stretch.

"[Clorox] has a new platform called Homejoy where you can actually order a maid," he keeps explaining. "Actually, you can order topless maids out here in Hollywood, but they won't let me do that." This information is neither here nor there, but a nice tip for anyone living in or traveling to the greater Los Angeles area.

As part of the campaign—admittedly bizarre on it own—three New Yorkers previously "won" a visit from David Hasselhoff to clean their homes. Here is a photo of him "cleaning":

Imagine entering a contest to get your home professionally cleaned and instead having to spend the day smiling next to a hashtag. And no one ever even cleans it? Very rude.

Will The Hoff continue to torment the people of New York by promising to clean their homes and instead covering it with random onions (See: errant onion sitting on the counter)?

Yeah, I think that's hysterical. I've done this before where I just knock on people's doors and they open the door and I go, "Hi! It's The Hoff! I'm here to help you clean. You want some help?" It's just really fun. I've been doing that basically all my life. I actually started when I was literally jogging in the Bahamas. A lady came out to get her mail and she said, "Oh, it's Knight Rider!" I said, "How are you? Got anything to drink in there? It's so hot here in the Bahamas." "Come on in, Knight Rider. Come on in!" Next thing I know, I'm in their house, her whole family comes home, the kids come home from school, it's just the loveliest family from the Bahamas and I ended up [going out that night] with the daughter to the blackest club ever. You know, I can get myself into any situation.

What we can glean from this story: 1) David Hasselhoff apparently refers to himself as the Hoff without the slightest sense of irony 2) "Literally jogging in the Bahamas" is a sentence no one has ever said because 3) This story sounds like a lie 4) It's especially unseemly for him to describe a club as "the blackest club ever" in a story that does not sound true at all.

So why is David Hasselhoff even doing these videos in the first place? "The reason I do these things is because they're fun, they're entertaining, and they reach a wide audience," he says. "It's funny, videos now, honest to God, I don't think I've done any network videos. I've done now like 32 or 33 Internet ones and they just go wacko."

To David Hasselhoff, filming six second clips of himself is the future of the entertainment industry and David Hasselhoff's utopian future, where rotary phones are finally equipped with high speed internet:

It's also the future of television. I have a film coming out called Killing Hasselhoff and that'll probably go to Netflix and I have a TV series called Hoff the Record, it's all going to be on the Internet and that's what I want because then you can take your telephone, plug it into any television set around the world, and that's it. I live off my telephone, watching television series on the airplane.

The future is now.

[Images via Getty]