Hmmm a Lot of Gawker Readers Claim They've Assaulted a Famous Person
Earlier today, we brought you the story of famous sibling Kylie Jenner’s bodyguards shoving Honey actress Jennifer Alba out of the way at a fashion show. Surprisingly, it turns out a lot of Gawker readers can relate to Kylie Jenner.
Or maybe they can’t—you could all be liars for all I know—but here’s one thing I do know—an awful lot of you claim you’ve pushed, shoved, nearly run over and nearly been run over by a fairly diverse group of famous people.
Close Calls
True story: I almost backed over Walter Cronkite in Midtown traffic trying not to block the box.
I nearly shoved Lyle Lovett, but at the last minute he stepped aside and let me out the door of the South Magnolia Cafe. Also, I recognized he was Lyle Lovett...
Also as well: can we fix that headline? It’s making me itch a little.
Michelle Williams nearly backed over ME as I walked past her garage.
I was walking past Harrods in London and in short succession almost bumped into Colm Meaney and George Wendt. I was stunned at almost bumping into Meaney when I almost clobbered Wendt.
Max Weinberg almost ran over me with his car, in a crosswalk at 8th Avenue and W. 53rd St. once. I’m a huge Springsteen fan, too, so it might have been an appropriate way to die.
I almost hit Lewis Black with my car once.
I nearly ran over (then Congressman) Rod Blagojevich when he was jogging and, without warning, darted across the street in front of my car. While I narrowly avoided plowing right into him, I did lay on the horn and flip him an enthusiastic bird before realizing how he was (and not caring after I did).
His hair remained impeccably in place the entire time though. Aquanet is a force to be reckoned with.
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before elsewhere, but I once almost ran Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin (and their children) down when they stepped out into the street literally in front of my car without bothering to look. I blared the horn, flipped them off, and started yelling out the window about what idiots they were when my wife stopped me and pointed out who I was yelling at. I could have given less of a shit. You shouldn’t step out into traffic without at least a glance in both directions, especially with your kids in tow.
I almost hit Jack Nicholson with my car once (on accident). Also, I nearly got arrested with Martin Sheen once (on purpose).
I lived in LA for ten years, stuff happens.
Accidental Bumps
I once walked into Spike Lee in the middle of Times Square. I practically knocked the poor man over. He was actually very charming.
My dad ran smack into Dolly Parton once and knocked the poor woman to the floor! He helped her up, was super apologetic, and she was of course an absolute darling about it and struck up a conversation with him! She was up-and-coming at that time and he became a fan of hers after that.
Years ago, I was working with Florence Henderson at an event and I was a busy bee so had on the obligatory baseball cap. I bent down to fix her mic and bonked her in the face, hard, with the bill of my cap. I was mortified but she was cool about it. Mrs. Brady is a total sweetie pie.
Regis Philbin, on the other hand, is a screechy tool.
I took a step backwards at a conference in Mexico City and accidentally body checked Carlos Slim. He’s one of the richest men in the world; lives under legitimate threat of assassination, and his body guards didn’t touch me.
Way to overreact amateur goons guarding Kylie Jenner.
I face planted into Josh Henderson in a Target one time. Then I just stared at him because people with two different colored eyes are freaky.
I walked directly into Charley Pride at DFW.
I accidentally knocked over David Byrne and then grabbed his butt when trying to stop us both from falling (it was during a talking heads show and he jumped off the stage right into me, so I don’t feel guilty about it). His butt was mushy!
I was nearly steamrolled by Peter Buck as we both rounded the corner of a building.
I walked into Robert Rodriguez because I was walking while looking over my shoulder to talk to my friend. He was very nice about it. I also opened a door and barreled through it and almost knocked Skeet Ulrich over. I think I might be kind of a rude dick. I did do something nice for a celebrity by opening the door for Rhett Miller when he locked himself out of a bar by walking through a self-locking door.
I ran into Michael Vick at the Miami airport one time. Knocked both of us to the ground, and his bodyguards/entourage were very polite. Vick assured me everything was ok and we both went about our day. Except I think he ended up with my water bottle and I got his.
I was exiting a radio station once in the 00’s and hit Mandy Moore in the face with a door. Her large manservant growled at me.
True fact: My friend’s father in Buenos Aires once turned a corner and literally knocked an 80-year-old Jorges Luis Borges to the ground. This was apparently in a fairly crowded plaza and the onlookers were quite aghast at seeing the national treasure of Argentina (who was also completely blind at this point) get laid out like that.
The father’s story—proof that dad humor is a global phenomenon—always ends with him saying that it was “the closest he ever got to great literature.”
I was a stylist/market editor at one point in my life, and was late for an appointment at Bergdorf’s. I was speed walking down 57th Street, and almost mowed down Ralph Lauren exiting the Tourneau. I put on the brakes, and did some miraculous pirouette side-step behind him as he made a bee-line towards his waiting black SUV on the curb. On hindsight, I should’ve been more aware that the SUV was waiting there for some VIP, as there is no parking on that section of the street. I whizzed by him so quickly, that I only realized it was Ralph Lauren after I was able to breathe again, and oxygen returned function to my brain. Also, I often wonder if I had knocked him to the ground, would my life have become some romantic comedy where I’d get a glamorous job at his company, or would I watch my career spin out in a downward trajectory...
I ran headlong into Kurt Vonnegut outside the doors of the Air and Space museum theatre, just before one of his speeches.
I looked appropriately sheepish, grabbed my stuff off the floor, and in one of those oh-so-rare moments when you brain actually functions in those situations, shrugged, and managed to croak out “So it goes”. (after like three oh-my-god-I’m-so-sorry’s)
I smashed into Moby once as he came out of some shitty little vegan restaurant. Jesus, he’s tiny.
After that I walked around the corner and got caught in an ATM vestibule with Lou Reed. Jesus, he’s tiny too (or was).
I love NYC.
I literally walked into Shaq, bounced off him, my nose hit his sternum. I am neither petite nor short. I got the classic Shaq grin. So I gave him a “’sup”.
I walked into Nathan Fillion once as I was getting off of an elevator. He really should have waited for us to exit first. I don’t watch Firefly so this really made no impression on me.
I headbutted Donald Sutherland, when I turned to rush out of Keihl’s on 3rd Ave. When I looked up and saw who was towering over me, I thought, Donald Sutherland looks old, and this was in 1996. He didn’t say anything and I just stammered “I’m so sorry” and kept on out of there.
I came and a corner carrying my skis and almost took off Jamie Lee Curtis’s head. She was cool.
Arnold also stopped short right in front of me on one slope requiring a very quick turn, meaning I sprayed snow all over his lower legs.
Fun times in Sun Valley. The celebs and high net worth people love it because you can’t recognize anyone with a ski helmet on!
Robert Plant bumped into me once and said I’m sorry so politely. He should be Kylie’s bodyguard.
I bumped into Grace Coddington at full New York walking speed and it was the highlight of my life.
I got Grace Coddigton’s hair in my mouth during a fashion week crush once. I consider that a highlight of my life, however.
I once bumped into Danny McBride, he seemed to be very sheepish. I half expected a Kenny Powers freakout, but nothing.
A friend of mine got bad news from the guidance office one day and stormed out. Blinded by her rage she accidentally checked a small dude into a locker. Pretty quickly she realized it was Dith Pran. He was speaking at our high school that day about the horror of the killing fields. Talk about a hard life.
I collided with Serena Altschul at a concert at Giants Stadium and knocked the better part of two beers all over the pair of us. I wish there was a better denouement to this story than “we both profusely apologized and I had to go buy two more beers” but there you have it.
I face planted into Michael Strahan’s chest at the post office. Dude is huge. It was like walking into a brick wall.
I was dancing at the Pink Elephant a long time ago and accidentally elbowed one of 50cents’ boduguards right in the face. He had his death face on, but seemed to accept my apology. As long as Kylie tweets an apology, WE’RE GOOD.
I once ran smack into Steny Hoyer during my time as an exploited Capitol Hill intern. He was pulling a door open and was about to walk through at the exact second I was trying to push it open in a rush to get back to my office. I apologized and said, “excuse me” a couple of times, and the prick just gave me serious stinkface. He actually seemed annoyed that the unpaid intern doing his higher-ranked (and twice the asshole) colleague’s idiotic bidding because she wanted to serve her country had dared to get in his way. If I ever ascend into a position of great power and authority, I pray that I don’t treat people the way he treated me that day.
On the other hand, Dennis Kucinich waved at me when I was trying to get my boss’ attention and he got caught in the crossfire. Anyone who will give a genuine smile and wave to a no-name intern waving like a maniac is more than okay in my book.
I was rushing through the merchandise mart in Chicago, and a guy a little shorter than me stepped right in front of me and we collided hard. we both turned around for the obligatory stare down. I was staring into the eyes of Roy Jones Jr. I just said “Sorry Champ,” and got the hell out of there.
Back in 1987-88 a friend of mine was at a Roy Orbison show. After the show, Orbison walked through the crowd and was shaking hands. He missed seeing my friend with his hand out and then someone slammed into my friend who then ended up planting his fist right in Roy’s back. He still swears to this day that dislodged something that ended up in Roy’s heart, causing the eventual heart attack.
I bumped into Wayne Newton’s chest in Springfield Missouri Bass Pro Shop. He is very tall - my head hit his chest. He was wearing a maroon velour jump suit, he was very nice about it. wasn’t until i walked away that i realized it was Wayne Newton.
danke schoen, Wayne.
I almost took down Joanna Newsom once. I was going to the restroom at her show (it was in a church) and as I was going into the stall she was coming out and I DAMN near body checked her because I was trying to hurry because I didn’t want to miss her. I managed to eek out “ohmygodhioopsimsosorrybreakaleg” before I hurried into the bathroom stall and berated myself for being a spaz.
She was really tiny and gorgeous.
I once accidentally cut Porter Wagner off on the phone. He was very nice about it, thank god.
I almost stepped on Warwick Davis. He was super polite and gracious, and I stammered like an idiot.
I elbowed Corey Feldman in the face once. He was standing behind me at some lame bar in LA and he’s just that short.
I stepped aside to allow David Niven to get past me in front of Tiffany’s in NYC. Yes, it’s true... I’m too old to give a shit about lying for attention.
I almost backed into Angelina while turning my shopping cart around. Does that count?
I once bumped into JT Snow (SF Giants 1B back in the day).
He was totally coo!
Conscious Shoves
I shoved Spalding Gray once. I still regret it, and I’m not even famous.
I kicked the shit out of John Larroquette at the Circus Circus Midway in one those things where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth to win a prize. What happens in Vegas, my ass!
I shoved Patti Smith (by mistake) at a High Times party once. Hilarity ensued.
That guy that plays Schmidt on new girl? Shoved him
I shoved the San Diego Chicken once and he yelled at me.
Woody Allen shoved me in the entrance at Michael’s (next to the cigarette machine) while holding his clarinet case football-style.
On a sprint to the bathroom at 7B I had to pick up Janeane Garofalo and toss her out of the way because she was blocking the door. Ben Stiller, who was with her at the time, was not impressed.
My principal at the time (mid-level athlete) while I was still running a temp security team in college literally ran into a premiere bro-country singer in the pits of a NASCAR race. The singer was not as famous as he is now and his security (one guy) was in trail position. He was embarrassed and tried to get tough with my teammate who was a recon marine home on leave and moonlighting.
Singer’s security wouldn’t stand down and be professional. Might have gotten ugly but the singer defused the whole situation and took my principal for a beer. Good dude.
Some day I’ll tell you about Christina aguilara in the bar bathroom in 1999.
My dad tells this story every time he drinks. This was in the 70’s and He was at ohare airport waiting for his flight when he sees Kareem Abdul Jabar. He asks for an autograph, and Kareem just sticks out his hand and pushes my dad away. My dad yells at the tv every time he comes on now.
I shoved adam sandler off the sidewalk- or so I was told by a passer by, I honestly wasn’t paying attention, it was crowded.
Will Ferrell once shoved my wife into the street, he didn’t seem to notice one bit.
That’s Just Rude
I rubbed up against Christian Slater once on an escalator at the Tribeca Film Festival. On purpose. Tits to chest. Untamed heart.
I threw an empty bottle of water at Vin Diesel in 2001. I haven’t decided if I regret it.
Dumped beer on Jerry Springer, 6th row of the 2001 Madonna “Drowned World” tour.
STAR. STRUCK. KLUTZ.
I’ve never shoved a celebrity. But once while in New Orleans at the same time as the AFL Arena Bowl I ran into an elevator at the Downtown Marriott just a Ron Jaworski was approaching. Without holding the door for him I was able get a very loud “Go fuck yourself Ron Jaworski” just before the doors closed. Best day ever.
Valerie Bertinelli called me the “c” word once for making her wait to get into the back entrance to the LA Sports Arena for a Stevie Ray Vaughan Concert. I made her wait and let in David Bowie before her (she was with Eddie Van Halen - and both were acting like d*cks).
I drunkenly punched Sam L Jackson one night at an event because he refused to take a picture with my mate that loved him. I think the only reason he conceded is because he was shocked that a five foot nothing chick would be so brazen... I was also told to stop talking so a picture could be taken by Jonathan Silverman. Cheap warm wine at a celebrity charity event on the beach is never a good idea.
When I was 17, I threw up on Lynda Carter’s front lawn.
I’ve never assaulted a celebrity—that I know of—but I suppose there’s still time. Have you? Let us know at tips@gawker.com
The best shove you will never beat this shove via TMZ. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.
