Tuesday night's State of the Union address will get a big, bearded taste of the Confederacy. Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, R, has invited Willie Robertson, son of the anal-hating Phil Robertson, to be his plus one for the evening.

Duck Dynasty—a show about a man who hates anal—returned last night to A&E for a fifth season. Though more than 8.5 million viewers tuned in, the number is far from the 11.8 million viewers who watched the fourth season premiere in August. This means 8.5 million too many people are still watching, but it's a start.

A mere eight days after placing Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson on "indefinite hiatus" following his homophobic comments to GQ Magazine, A+E has caved to Internet demand and brought Robertson back to the cast of the popular cable show. The reinstatement comes after a petition at IStandWithPhil.com garnered 259,979 signatures (at the time of publication)—a mere 2% of the show's average 11.8 million viewer audience.

Plan on never unhearing what you're about to hear about the Vanderbilts and their love of tongue play; if geriatric oral sex isn't your thing, TLC's new sex-focused reality series makes Kim Kardashian look like Jennifer Lawrence; Hollywood has joined the NFL in disenfranchising Native Americans for a quick profit; and a quarter million people who you never knew even watched Duck Dynasty now want Phil Robertson back.

A&E—a network that loves to admonish and play dumb after making gobs of money off well-known racists and homophobes—will be busy admonishing and playing dumb again today. All thanks to this newly emerged video of Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson delivering an impassioned speech against the "gross sexual immorality" of "women with women" and "men with men."

Phil Robertson, star of A&E's Duck Dynasty and a religious man with a strong preference for vagina, has been "indefinitely" placed under hiatus from filming following his homophobic interview with GQ.