Oh my God, Michael Keaton thought he was going to win Best Actor. Oscar prognosticators had Redmayne and Birdman's Michael Keaton nearly neck-and-neck for the prize. Keaton was ready to win. He wanted to win. Oh my God, he wanted to win so bad and then he didn't and then he had to stuff his acceptance speech back in his jacket pocket and it was so, so, so sad Jesus.

Ever imagine what it would be like to win an Oscar? Like, what would you wear? Whom would you thank? And what would the after parties be like with that little gold guy under your arm? Last night's Best Actress and Actor winners Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne probably thought: something nice, my mom, and freakin' sick, respectively, but they forgot to factor in one all-important variable:

The 20 stars nominated for Academy Awards this year represent some of the most talented (or, anyway, famous) actors on screen today. At one point, however, they were slack-jawed, blank-eyed, no-name novices. They’d probably like to forget their often humiliating early work, but thanks to the magic of technology, they can never escape it. From Ed Norton’s educational ESL VHS to Emma Stone’s completely mortifying renditions of pop songs on an American Idol knock-off show, so much of the early work of these nominees is jaw-droppingly bad.