What do you think fucking a pie can get you? A lasting career in the illustrious film industry? Not quite. The lifelong respect of your peers? I’ve got news for you, buckaroo. The eternal adoration of your family? *That thing where Larry David makes this face* Well, how does a pristine home at the foot of the Beverly Hills sound?

In a special Monday morning edition of Life Comes at You Fast, we have a story about Jason Biggs at the gym. The once-celebrated star of USA Candy was spotted at Barry’s Bootcamp in Tribeca—a Kardashian favorite—by multiple Page Six “spies” who insist the actor was “sporting a paunch.”

Your mean neighbor, Chelsea Handler, regaled the story of pale oaf Jason Biggs peeing on her face as she clung to boat in the heavy tide of the ocean. "I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle," she said on Conan last night.