On September 29, 2009, The Daily Beast released a blockbuster report that shook our nation to its core. With its publication, previously guarded information became public to American citizens for the first time: the (inflated) salaries of the women and men then starring on MTV’s reality TV dramedy The Hills.

Tis the season to quickly Google the cost of a gift that someone gave you, so that you can ascertain both how much you mean to them, as well as their disposable income. In the spirit of the holidays, it seemed like the perfect time to remind you that your goal for Christmas 2014 should be to make friends with your friendly neighborhood TV writer—sure they may be anti-social and laugh at their own jokes, but they sure do make a lot of money, and those retina displays aren't buying themselves, now are they?