Conrad Hilton's infamous 11-hour British Airways meltdown, though well-documented in the federal criminal complaint, has so far been desperately bereft of colorful eyewitness commentary.

Hilton was arrested last July on charges of assaulting or intimidating a flight crew member after he allegedy got up from his business class seat more than 20 times on the 11-hour flight, stalking up and down the aisles, threatening flight attendants, smoking weed in the bathrooms, and ranting about a passenger wanting to "fuck or fight him."

He eventually checked into rehab and just inked a plea deal that guarantees a maximum six month sentence (he had been facing up to 20 years.) But no trial also means no testimony.

Enter GQ, which tracked down Patricia Mitchell, a British life coach and front-row passenger on the Hilton spiral downwards. Sayeth Mitchell of the encounter, "I was kind of fascinated."

So are we, so are we. Here are the best parts:

Initial observations:

He was dressed posh casual, expensive haircut. He looked like a polo player and walked with a sure-footed march, being loud. He said something like they had attacked him. I heard a lot of "fucks."

If you were on a desert island, Hilton would be the weakest link, wouldn't he? Let's face it. He'd be the one about whom everyone would say, "Oh, shit, don't get him to do anything. He'll balls it up."

He's been taught a certain way to communicate with people, and it's clearly not working. He looked deeply unhappy.

On trying not to make eye contact:

I don't often watch horror movies, but you know how the walking dead have a look in their eye? I thought, "He's going to come at me next."

On accidentally making eye contact:

At one point, I jumped up to use the loo because there wasn't a line. I did it quickly, without looking, and I bumped into someone and said, "Oh, sorry." I looked up, and it was him! It was like [gasps] the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. And he just said, "Oh, no problem." Like a normal, ordinary human.

Upon landing:

I remember coming off and seeing him sitting on a bench with what I assume was some kind of federal agent. You would have thought butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, he was so cool. He looked all innocent, like, "I don't know what the fuss is all about." He just turned it on, like:Okay, I'm on American soil, and I know how to play this game. He looked like he was having the first day at a new job and wanted to make a good impression.

Final conclusion:

"God, he's an asshole."

Update:

Turns out Conrad's never been fun to fly with. From 2007:

On the 9:30 America West flight from Las Vegas to LAX on 2/5 I had the unfortunate opportunity to sit behind the youngest Hilton son. As Diane Court said, I have glimpsed our future, and all I can say is... go back. There is simply nothing worse than sitting behind a rich, pathetic 12 year old [Conrad Hughes Hilton]. While his parents Kathy and Rick were sitting in first class, young Mr. Hilton was sitting in the bulkhead seating, using his multiple electronic devices during take-off and landing (take that FAA regulations!) and at one point, lifted his legs and announced he was going to fart...sadly, he did. That though doesn't top when he announced that his friend, who was sitting next to him, was masturbating as soon as the lights turned off. Some how, he persuaded the flight attendant to give him pretzels which he graciously threw on the floor because, hey, he doesn't have to clean it up. His feet smelled as did he. I've never been so happy to see a flight come to an end. He was happy, because he got to take his brand new Playstation 3, and exit a plane full of commoners.

Have you unwillingly flown Con Air? Email us at tips@gawker.com.

Image via Instagram. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com