Kristin Cavallari recently got fake bangs for an infomercial—a fact she would like the public to promptly forget. They look like this:

As you can see, not even an Eternal Sunshine-style blackout could erase this image from your brain. Our feeble minds may lose all happy memories, but we will never lose Kristin’s bangs. Pardon me—Kristin’s Secret Bangs™.

What are Secret Bangs™? In a video on SecretBangs.com that Kristin was contractually obligated to implore us to watch last week—likely hoping against hope we’d ignore her request—she explains how these suckers work. (Not well.)

“Hi, I’m Kristin Cavallari, and I have something to show you,” Kristin says to the camera from what appears to be the closet of a much older woman who resides in Boca Raton, Florida.

Without explaining what she is rudely and perhaps illegally doing in someone else’s walk-in, she continues her pitch: “What’s my secret? Secret Bangs™...Bangs without commitment.”

Kristin then removes her bangs.

“Didn’t see that coming, did you?” she asks her viewers, who saw that coming 500 miles away.

Voiceover Kristin then reveals that the “secret” is “in the headband.” Secret’s out:

Secret Bangs™ are made not from hair but from a “keratin-conditioned fiber” that approximates hair, Kristin explains. In some cases, your lover can touch it without becoming ill:

But that’s not all. In a sudden new outfit, Kristin demonstrates that you can wear Secret Bangs™ backwards should the spirit move you.

Neat.

Later, while sporting the blazer of a businesswoman and the Secret Bangs™ of a sheepdog, Kristin discloses her own Secret Bangs™ shade: Medium Golden Blonde.

Kristin’s demonic twin’s shade is Light Golden Blonde. It “enhances her highlights.”

Did Kristin’s informercial convince you to become a secret banger?

Secret Bangs™, you should know, cost $29.99. Shhh.

This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photos via Secret Bangs™ and Getty]