Mark Wahlberg, actor and producer best known for having within him the ability to have stopped the attacks of 9/11 and also for assaulting a Vietnamese man, is not the man you thought he was.

Run down the checklist:

  • Actor: ✓
  • Producer: ✓

Yep, everything checks out so far. Continue:

  • 9/11 wouldn’t have went down like it did if he was on that plane with his kids: ✓
  • Assaulted a Vietnamese man: ✓

Mmhm, mmhm:

  • Boston: ✓
  • Former rapper: ✓
  • Former model: ✓
  • Catholic: ✓
  • 44 years old: ✓

Check, check, check, check, check. Moving along:

  • Youngest of nine children: ✓
  • Ate a big breakfast: ✓
  • Member of the Pussy Posse:

Nope, that last one was a trick. Keeping you on your toes, and continuing:

  • Was in Boogie Nights: ✓
  • Ted: ✓
  • Became an equity interest of the Barbados Tridents cricket franchise in 2013: ✓
  • Dated Soleil Moon Frye in the early ‘90s: ✓

Yes, yup, mmhm:

  • Married Rhea Durham at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Beverly Hills: ✓
  • Active with The Good Shepherd Center for Homeless Women and Children: ✓
  • Shouted “VIETNAM FUCKING SHIT” at a (different) Vietnamese man: ✓
  • Frontman of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: ✓

Just moving down the list:

  • Whoa, whoa, whoa: ✓
  • Let’s say you have no idea and leave it at that, OK?: ✓
  • No idea: ✓
  • Zip: ✓
  • None: ✓
  • If you had an idea of what we do, we would not be good at what we do, would we?: ✓
  • We would be cunts: ✓
  • Are you callin’ us cunts?: ✓

Uh-huh:

  • Your fuckin’ family’s dug into the Southie projects like ticks: ✓
  • Three-decker men at best: ✓
  • You, however, grew up on the North Shore, huh?: ✓
  • Well, la-di-fuckin’-da: ✓
  • You were kind of a double-kid, I bet, right? Huh?: ✓
  • One kid with your old man, one kid with your mother: ✓
  • You’re upper-middle class during the weeks, then you’re droppin’ your “R”s and you’re hangin’ in the big, bad Southie projects with your daddy, the fuckin’ donkey on the weekends: ✓
  • I got that right?: ✓

Yeah, yeah:

  • Wanted to appear on A&E’s docuseries Wahlburgers right from the get-go: NO!

No—it appears Mark Wahlberg did not want to appear on A&E’s docuseries Wahlburgers right from the get-go, as you may have believed previously. From the Hollywood Reporter:

Yeah, initially I didn’t want to be on television. I’m sick of being on television. Yes, I’m an actor and a producer, which is my first love, but being on TV as “Mark Wahlberg” was not of interest to me. But it was [ultimately] about promoting and building the business. And it’s been a nice thing that has brought our family closer.

His second love, of course: a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then him saying, “OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.”

Image via Getty. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.