Fox taps L.A. tube topper (subscription req'd.)

Given the current indeceny-in-entertainment purge, CBS is considering toning down Big Brother to avoid FCC fines. And they haven't yet decided what to do about the unedited web feed that's available 24-7 during the show's run.

It seems virtually impossible for Michael Jackson to leave the ranch without getting some gay/molesty nastiness stuck on the bottom of his moonwalkin' pennyloafers.

Variety reports that the mighty WB network, home to such knee-slapping fare as One Tree Hill and Everwood, is about to unleash an American Idol spoof on the shitty-singing-devouring public.

Two L.A. men were caught trying to record first-run movies in local theaters. One was trying to bootleg The Passion of the Christ. It's understandable that someone's trying to get a piece of the Jesus juggernaut action.

Preternaturally youthful, septagenarian megaproducer/sock-hop host Dick Clark has been diagnosed with type-2 diabetes, according to the Associated Press. Clark's known about his disease since 1994, but has kept it a secret until now.

By now the entire free world has been appraised of the status of John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos' marriage. [ed. Note to Baghdad readers: They're Splitsville!] Page Six is reporting that John Cusack's already been circling Ms. Romijn n e Romijn-Stamos.

On tonight's two-hour finale of The Apprentice, evil, parasitic hairpiece host Donald Trump will finally anoint either low-key Bill Rancic or catatonic broker Kwame Jackson to run one of his many companies. Our money's on Bill, who'll be presented with a desk plaque reading "Bill Rancic, Chief Executive Officer, Trump Skank Procurement Industries" and immediately stashed on a card table by the copier that no one can figure out how to un-jam.

We're not keeping the author of this website anonymous because he's famous. In fact, quite the opposite. He's nobody — just another Hollywood peon, maybe another PA on the set. Or he could be your assistant — you know, the one you just made fetch your dogs from the groomer? That wasn't very nice of you.

• Editor: Mark Lisanti

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