Blogger Jim Treacher reviews Kill Bill Vol. 2 in a one-stanza haiku:

We know that you've ignored all of the PSAs and have TiVo'd every instance of Seinfeld in protest, but today marks the start of TV Turnoff Week.

In a diary for Slate, writer Toby Young (How to Lose Friends and Alienate People) describes his temporary move from London to Los Angeles to write a novel featuring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as characters. In Young's Starmaggeddon, a sweeping Second Great Depression ravages America, and the public turns on the celebrity class, who are herded into concentration camps.

MSNBC's Jeanette Walls reports that Tom Cruise is once again calling his lawyers over a newspaper story wondering aloud about his sexual preference. (Ed. note—Cruise says he's straight.) This time, the London Independent interviewed a former acting coach who said that she tutored Cruise and then-wife Nicole Kidman on how to give a "convincing sexual performance" in Eyes Wide Shut .

Miramax head Harvey Weinstein was named a Commander of the Order of the British Empire in recognition of his contributions to the British Empire (CBE) by Queen Elizabeth II, an honor which will be bestowed in a ceremony later this month.

New York magazine's Intelligencer asks, "Is Michael Eisner hiding out?" The Disney CEO n e Chairman was a no-show at a recent Bev Hills John Kerry fund-raiser, and more shockingly, at the premeire of The Alamo.

Matt LeBlanc's spin-off, Joey is likely going to occupy the coveted 8 p.m. Thursday timeslot in which Friends has dominated the ratings.

Blogger-actress Christen Nelson encounters hatchet-faced auteur Quentin Tarantino at The Grove (Ed. note— The Grove is an outdoor shopping mall constructed to mimic the actual kind of sidewalk shopping district that can be found in any city but L.A.)

These are the numbers that define our Monday morning universe:

Wal-Mart and K-mart have announced plans to sell an RCA DVD player that can filter "objectionable" content. Turned off by Kill Bill, Vol. 1's blood geysers? The DVD player will skip past the violence and mute the f-bombs, leaving you with a chopsocky flick suitable for family viewing.

It's been just over 10 years since Kurt Cobain killed himself. Everyone knows that 10 years is the statue of limitations on making biopics about self-destructive, voice-of-a-generation types. Now that it's safe to do so, the WB is developing a movie based on Cobain's life. They haven't cast it yet. We've got a couple of suggestions to get the ball rolling.

We like her better in latex bodysuits than this outfit, even though we do have to admit a small Cosby sweater fetish.

Pseudonymous, supposedly A-list celeb blogger Rance is back to defend himself against accusations that his blog is a fake because he didn't realize that Spago was no longer on Sunset Blvd when commenting on an obviously-staged Cruise-Cruz photo op.

We'd already forgotten who Thomas Jane is. Sure, we could have IMDB'd him, but we saw something shiny and lost interest in his career. But then we came across this very helpful AP headline on Yahoo News: "Thomas Jane Plays 'The Punisher'"

Given Rebecca Romijn-Stamos' official denial of a relationship with John Cusack, we can safely assume that the noncouple are busily nonfucking their brains out in one of Los Angeles' many fine, discreet luxury hotels.

Fearless box office predictions which can easily be altered on Monday to make us look like geniuses:

The adult film industry is in a virtual shutdown as porn stars Darren James and Lara Roxx were diagnosed with HIV. Several adult film production companies announced a 60 day coitus interruptus so that further testing of actors who'd performed with James and Roxx could be conducted.

The 13-week job interview is over. Donald Trump can rest now, knowing that he has knighted a worthy Trump Organization leader in vanilla, internet cigar mogul Bill Rancic (as we predicted). The Donald can now kick back and spend a few days in the hyperbaric chamber that preserves the somewhat hairlike organism that lives on top of his billionaire head, emerging only to have brief, sexual encounters with Miss USA hopefuls and dream of the Time Man of the Year cover that is surely to follow.

Muscular Raw Deal star and, oh yeah, head of California's executive branch Arnold Schwarzenegger has pledged to return runaway entertainment productions to the state, tapping Danny DeVito and Clint Eastwood to help in the effort.

Wherein we attempt to translate the humpy gabber's gossipspeak into Standard American English: