In a perfect world, nobody would be forced to choose between two attractive men. In a perfect world, two attractive men would be available in any capacity for interested parties to access at any time. These attractive men, in a perfect world, would be both famous and rich and often in the spotlight.

Over the weekend, Channing Tatum left his black backpack in a cab. He paid for the ride with cash. Would he ever get his black backpack back? Tatum took to Twitter to plead for the safe return of his helpful accessory and—look at that, it worked.

Did you know Channing Tatum's baby has plagiarized his face and copied it directly onto her baby body without attribution? We discovered this today after coming across the above photo of Channing's wife Jenna (clad in star-printed pants—see below) carrying the couple's child Everly (also clad in star-printed pants—see above) in Los Angeles.

Everything you think about Channing Tatum is probably true. Life is one great performance from start to finish, and Tatum is playing Tatum every single day, right down to the videos it appears he favorites on YouTube: boner jams and muscle bros.

Between all the backbiting, panicking, ass-kissing, gossiping, and ass-covering found in the vast trove of Sony leaks, a lone gem of positivity stands out: A celebratory email from Channing Tatum to his 22 Jump Street team. He writes email like a dog with a stick wags its tail.

Handsome actor Channing Tatum has been blessed with many things: cartoon-like abs, dancing ability, a Magic Mike sequel. But according to Tatum himself, one thing our Lord above did not grant him was brains. "I have never considered myself a very smart person," he tells T magazine this week.

A new trailer was released today for Channing Tatum's upcoming film Channing Tatum in a Singlet, which also stars Steve Carrell, Mark Ruffalo and Sienna Miller as people who don't wear singlets. The trailer features only a few scenes of Channing Tatum wearing a singlet so as to not spoil the rest of the film.

After months of publicly sucking up to producers, Channing Tatum has finally been granted his wish. Total Film confirmed last night that the Magic Mike star has landed the role of Remy LeBeau (alias Gambit) in an upcoming X-Men movie.

Just in time to sneak into Oscar nominations, the boys are back, this time at 22 Jump Street. Everyone is white boy wasted, Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill can't stop hugging, and Rob Riggle does his best Saturday Night Live Scared Straight.

Kevin Spacey is taking a page from the Francis Underwood Negotiations Playbook; Channing Tatum is exercising his groin…for you; the greatest wedding of our time is well on its way; and you can now buy movies and shows you don't really want for a very expensive price from Comcast.

It’s been a pretty shitty summer. We’ve lost our privacy, our faith in the justice system, James Gandolfini, and our dignity. And now, it is with great sadness that I announce the latest Summer 2013 loss: the young Hollywood action star. May God rest his soul.