Johnny Depp is a man who has never won an Academy Award, but lest you think he cares, check yourself real quick! Because he doesn’t care and quite frankly, it would be a burden to him, so don’t even worry about Johnny, okay?

Amber Heard, a blonde who recently married Johnny Depp, invited her mother to a screening of Depp’s Whitey Bulger biopic Black Mass last night. Let what transpired at the end of the red carpet be a lesson to everyone, most of all Amber Heard’s mother.

While promoting his new film The Departed 2: Black Mass at a press conference on Friday, Johnny Depp, who is not well, joked (?) about his recent canine controversy: “I killed my dogs and ate them under direct orders from some kind of, I don’t know, sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.”

Australia is really not kidding around—they’ve charged Amber Heard with the illegal importation of Johnny Depp’s dogs, meaning she could, technically, face up to 10 years in an Australian prison.

Hollywood is full of liars. They'll tell you "let's do lunch" when they don't want to do lunch. They'll tell you "I love your idea" when they think your idea is not good. They'll tell you you're not beautiful enough when you are beautiful inside and out. But perhaps the biggest liar in Hollywood is: Johnny Depp.

Scoooorrreeee YEAH: 51-year-old actor Johnny Depp and his friend, 40-year-old musician Ryan Adams, are allegedly hooking up with sisters. People reports that Ryan has recently taken up with Whitney Heard, the younger sister of Johnny's new 28-year-old wife Amber Heard. Up top!

Unwell middle-aged actor Johnny Depp married his 28-year-old bride Amber Heard a few days ahead of schedule on Tuesday, according to Us Weekly. The pair "secretly" wed at Johnny's West Hollywood home, but they will still travel to his private island this weekend for a spooky ceremony with friends.

Johnny Depp, who is not well, will marry his 28-year-old sweetheart Amber Heard next weekend in the Bahamas, according to Page Six. If you are one of the 50 guests invited to this event, beware: "accommodations are so sparse" that you will be sleeping on a boat.

Life takes its toll. To my knowledge, no one has ever said, "Life does not take its toll." It certainly does, and that is certainly the saying, and it certainly seems to have taken its toll on Johnny Depp, an actor who has gone insane.

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp have not broken up, despite rumors to the contrary. How do we know? Oh, my friends—disgusting kisses don't lie.

Some people in Hollywood have spent the last few years making great movies and then there's Johnny Depp. Ever since the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie in 2011, his career has been on a downward trajectory, and opening-weekend numbers show that his latest, Transcendence, is no exception.