Hey—ahh. Man, hey, um—look at this! Hey! Cameron Diaz’s husband Benji Madden from PacSun break room mid-day motivation band Good Charlotte got a new scalp tattoo—isn’t it good? [Nodding with eyes wide to convey the idea that you should do the same.] Hmm?

Multiple outlets reported over the weekend that, beginning in March 2016, tumultuous pop group One Direction will go on a temporary, year-long hiatus. The boys allegedly won’t tour after the release of their fifth album and will instead focus on solo projects. Then, finally, after they’ve gotten this rotten, lust-driven desire out of their system, they’ll come back together as god intended as the group One Direction...or will they?

Imagine your worst vacation. Wait—Imagine your best vacation. What you are now imagining is, the worst vacation a wealthy celebrity could possibly take with other celebrities. Now imagine Gwyneth Paltrow there. If you did this correctly, you have just imagined Jennifer Lawrence’s upcoming vacation.

If you want an example of the profound unfunniness of Pitch Perfect 2, look no further than the clip above in which a host of acapella groups competes in a sing-off of “’90s Hip Hop Jamz.” It includes a German team, Das Sound Machine, showing off their zany accents that make them sing things like, “Zis iz how wee do eet,” and, “Zat girl is poizuuun.” Not featured above is their rendition of Kris Kross’s “Jump,” which features altered lyrics, “Kommissar will make you! / Deutschland will make you!” Are you ROTFL yet? Elsewhere in the film, Snoop Dogg sings a straightforward version of “Winter Wonderland.” I was mortified for him.

The Strain, a television show based on a graphic novel that is about vampires (or something) that has already thrusted the unpleasant vision of a worm going through an eyeball into our line of sight, plans to rectify its even more egregious offense: the wig-ification of noted Bald Actor Corey Stoll. The wig, the show's producers say, will be gone by season's end. Praise be.