Overpowered TV ratings tabulator Nielsen admitted to fucking up months and months of ratings last week and told broadcast networks that they would re-crunch the numbers. In those updated numbers, CNN reliable source Brian Stelter reports, ABC World New Tonight's hard-fought ratings victory over NBC Nightly News and Brian Williams' jawline wasn't a win after all.

Did you watch Saturday Night Live this past Saturday with host Bill Hader, your favorite person who plays Stefon? Like, on TV. Like, at night. Like, when it airs across the nation live. You probably didn't. No one did!

Nielsen, the far-too-powerful institution that measures television ratings—and by association, is the governing body by which hundreds of thousands working in the television industry are beholden to for their very livelihood—announced today a major fuck-up: A system error has resulted in faulty ratings reports since March of this year.

Last night's premiere of Sharknado 2: The Second One on SyFy really reeled in a shark tornado's load of shark ratings.

Tuesday night's State of the Union address will get a big, bearded taste of the Confederacy. Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, R, has invited Willie Robertson, son of the anal-hating Phil Robertson, to be his plus one for the evening.

Duck Dynasty—a show about a man who hates anal—returned last night to A&E for a fifth season. Though more than 8.5 million viewers tuned in, the number is far from the 11.8 million viewers who watched the fourth season premiere in August. This means 8.5 million too many people are still watching, but it's a start.

The 2014 Golden Globe Awards hit a 10-year high in viewers, with 20.9 million people watching Jacqueline Bisset on NBC shout "Shit!" before babbling into the microphone for an eternity. More people still watched football, as the Broncos / Chargers game pulled in 36.3 million viewers for CBS.