Congratulations to Malia Obama for becoming the latest teenage child of a president to learn how to drive. First comes a cool selfie, then a slight tug away from Dad as he embarrasses you for the trillionth time by grabbing your hand the White House North Lawn, then a driver's license to free you from the oppressives force of your nerd-ass parents. Peace!

In this era of chic, superstar babies like Blue Ivy Carter and North West, it's important to remember that sometimes celebrity children become one of America's most abundant natural resources: dumb, embarrassing, fartcloud teenagers. Let us examine the so-far cautionary tale of Michael Jackson's son: Michael Jackson, Jr. aka Prince.

Aging storybook character Daniel Radcliffe is the second-richest young person under 30 in the U.K., according to Heat Magazine's annual list. Teen Twitter trend "One Direction" is number one. Uhh, wait a second, says Mister Potter: "Not that I care but I am definitely first!"