Since its release last week, One Direction’s new album Made in the A.M. has echoed loudly over the hot, muddy shit pits of hell. “I’ve got fire for a heart, I’m not scared of the dark. You’ve never seen it look so easy.” On the beat, the devil cackles and takes a coal from the fire, tossing it onto Harry Styles’s boyish torso. Simon Cowell knew this was coming.

Zayn. Yearning for sun, he gets only rain. Is there no relationship he can maintain? Zayn.

Earlier today, male pop ensemble One Direction released “Drag Me Down,” the group’s first single without former member Zayn Malik (the member who liked graffiti). “Drag me down,” fans wonder, “Is this a dig at Zayn?”

During the first night of the North American leg of One Direction’s On the Road Again tour in San Diego, California, Harry Styles took a big, silly, backwards tumble to the ground. This was also America’s first Zayn-free One Direction concert. Coincidence?

As you know, we at Defamer are dedicated to keeping you up to date on the length and style of former One Direction member and lifelong graffiti enthusiast Zayn Malik’s hair. It is worth noting that our reporting is not reliant upon agreeing with the choices made re: the length and style of said hair.

“We totally respect his decision,” One Direction wrote in a statement announcing Zayn Malik’s departure. “And send him all our love for the future.” *Maury voice* That’s a lie.

We’ve all been taking about Zayn, whoever that is, a lot now all of a sudden, but one man has remained curiously silent: Stephen Hawking. What’s he hiding? What reason does he have to be such a coward re: stuff about Zayn? One brave fan got to the bottom of it this weekend during a Q&A event at the Sydney Opera House.

Did you think that Zayn, a person we talk about now, was just going to lie down and die after leaving One Direction? Did you think he was just going to dig a Zayn-sized hole in the dirt; kiss his fiancée, Perrie Edwards, goodbye; jump in the hole; and kill himself right in the hole? Did you think that he was going to hope that a helpful stranger would pass by and fill up the hole with dirt, or maybe someone he hired in advance? Well think again, you lunatic, because maybe he’s going to try acting now.

Zayny baby! Let’s rap. First you quit British boy band One Direction; then you blithely go on vacation with your fiancée Perrie Edwards; then you let some rumors fly about possibly getting married at Disneyland. And now, a major haircut and a nose piercing? You wanna tell us what’s going on?

Twenty-two-year-old singer Zayn Malik, formerly of One Direction, is engaged to be married to a 21-year-old woman named Perrie Edwards. That's pretty crazy in and of itself, but now fans are speculating that Zayn is going to get married...in DISNEYLAND. In JUNE!!!!!

Zayn Malik, erstwhile One Directioner, current life-ruiner, is on vacation in France right now with his family and his fiancée, Perrie Edwards. Incredible. Can you believe this fucking guy?

There comes a time in every young man's life when he must strike out on his own. For Aubrey Graham, that time was 2009, when he left the Canadian band Degrassi to become a rapper named Drake. For Zayn Malik, that time was last week, when he quit One Direction to...also become a rapper named Drake?

Zayn—what's going on in his brain? So many thoughts he can't contain. He had to give his mouth free rein, so an exclusive interview The Sun obtain(ed)—Zayn.

Hey, Zayniacs. Having a good day? Feeling refreshed and remaining positive about the future of One Direction, despite Zayn Malik's recent decision to take time off in order to recuperate from stress brought on by the media? I think you might need to sit down.

The world got word yesterday that Zayn Malik, the member of One Direction who likes graffiti, exited One Direction's world tour due to rumor-based stress. Today, the world has gotten word that everybody is worried about him.

Take a deep breath. Take another. Lie down on the ground. Close your eyes. Picture the world falling down around you. Imagine your body covered in debris. Do you feel its weight? You are immobile and your breath is shallow. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end. Zayn got a haircut.