Corey Feldman's Horrific, Depressing, Near-Nude Birthday Party

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Beejoli Shah

08/21/13 05:57PM

Filed to: Corey Feldman

Goonies star Corey Feldman is attempting to transform himself into the next Hugh Hefner—complete with his own FeldMansion, a bevy of Jumbo's Clown Room wannabes calling themselves "Corey's Angels," and a pervasive, weary, existential sadness. Luckily for anthropologists of despair, Vice's Jamie Lee Curtis Taete was on hand to chronicle the scene at Feldman's recent birthday party with an article that required final approval from Feldman before being published. According to Taete:

Ron Jeremy, Tom Green, Woody Harrelson, and Chris Kirkpatrick have all previously been spotted at Corey's parties. When I found out that the hottest names in Hollywood were going to be living it up in a mansion with some of the hottest bitches on the planet I knew I had to see that shit with my own two eyes.

No one is more surprised than Chris Kirkpatrick that he is one of the hottest names in Hollywood. Even in jest.

What ensued can only be described as The Saddest Party There Ever Was, enthusiastically documented by Taete in some excellent photos: All the lights on as a few people mill about in each room (this is from when the party was in "in full swing"). Aging strippers in varying amounts of makeup are huddled around what looks like an Ed Hardy convention. Some are texting. One enjoys ("enjoys") a massage chair (or as Taete puts it, "Did I mention he has a fucking massage chair?" It is important to note this is a pretty basic massage chair; Feldman did not spring for Sharper Image.). There's "an outdoor area with a pool where people are raging just as hard inside." "Raging" here seems to be in the Dylan Thomas "rage, rage against the dying of the light" sense.

Feel like you missed out? Fear not—this isn't just a one-off festival of lost hope and despondency. Feldman will be hosting these parties multiple times throughout the year, and it's open to all us commoners: All it takes is $250, if you're a guy, or $0 and a penchant for near nudity if you're a girl. Generous.

In related news: Corey Feldman really needs a new graphic designer.

[Image via Vice/Jamie Lee Curtis Taete]

1

TJ Lifer Beejoli Shah 08/22/13 04:56AM

As someone who has actually been in Jumbos Clown Room in East Hollywood, I admire the ability of the writer to truly convey the sad, delusional desperation. Its too bad Corey couldn't end this party like Little Bill in the New Years Eve Party scene in Boogie Nights!

1

Beejoli Shah TJ Lifer 08/22/13 10:24AM

Want to be a little more depressed about Jumbo's? It's now morphed from cavern of despair to a place where there's a 30 minute deep line, a bouncer, and a VELVET ROPE to get in on Saturday nights. I kid you not. On the bright side, you can pay $20 to cut the line...which I know, I know, it's Jumbo's, but it comes with a free Jumbo's t-shirt OR trucker hat. You may think I'm joking, but if that doesn't sound like a worthwhile investment, I don't know what does.

2

TJ Lifer Beejoli Shah 08/22/13 11:31AM

Thanks for the update. Wow. I remember that it was in a seedy strip mall, and WAY back in the day, hookers use to walk the adjacent side streets. If I remember correctly, that had a turnstile you use to walk through, and stale popcorn available. I never remember seeing Courtney Love dance there. Have you checked out the new Jumbo's? How much is "bottle service.? Well it could get even more depressing. Maybe Circus Circus in Vegas needs a trendy club and will open a Jumbo's there with some DJ you never heard of hosting. If only all the waiters were dressed in Clown makeup similar to John Wayne Gacy! Now that's a club I would go to!

3

Beejoli Shah Jessalyn Champignon 08/22/13 10:22AM

Aaaaand my day is made (/ruined?). This is some grade A Feldman detective work.

1

Dookmarriottlives Beejoli Shah 08/22/13 09:19AM

The quotes you pull suggest the Vice author was being sarcastic, winding Corey up, pissed that he had to give final edit to him, etc. I find it hard to believe that Gawker has such a set and specific view of Vice that you took the author's tone seriously, but it seems like you did. Which is really weird. You guys are all bubbled up or something.

Beejoli Shah Dookmarriottlives 08/22/13 10:21AM

Oh no, I'm not good at most things, but detecting sarcasm - that's a second language. Hence the "No one is more surprised than Chris Kirkpatrick at being one of Hollywood's hottest stars. Even in jest." I always operate under the assumption that anyone who thinks a Mortal Kombat arcade game is a big draw MUST be kidding.

Dookmarriottlives Beejoli Shah 08/22/13 01:11PM

Aight, all good - that makes a lot more sense. I wasn't sure, based on some of your remarks (like the massage chair or whatever).

15

oriencor Beejoli Shah 08/21/13 10:49PM

Don't go to his site.

7

Beejoli Shah oriencor 08/21/13 10:57PM

Unclear what's worse. The horrific music (his single, apparently) that starts blaring instantly upon loading, or the fact that it looks like something 12-year old me could have created on Geocities back when I was, well, 12.

oriencor Beejoli Shah 08/21/13 11:11PM

I was thinking along the same lines - couldn't decide if the music or the video was worse before escaping. I admit I pressed play because I thought he'd be doing some horrible MJ impersonation again.