She certainly wanted you to think she was plastered. Nice martini glass!

This is how hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler opened the Golden Globes: With ten minutes of perfect jokes. (That Gravity Clooney zinger!)

Legendary actress Jacqueline Bisset just picked up the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Performance in a Series, Miniseries, or Television Film for her work in the BBC/Starz series Dancing on the Edge. It took Bisset almost a minute to get to the stage after her name was announced, and then, once there, she spent several more seconds attempting to form words. Lip-smacking, a censorship fail (she slipped a "shit" through), and a message to the haters ("Go to hell and don't come back") ensued. They attempted to play her off, and she just refused to listen to the music and went right on babbling. What a woman.

Last year, Jodie Foster came out, a weird lady flirted with Bradley Cooper, and the teleprompter broke, confusing Salma Hayak more than usual. Who knows what will happen during the Golden Globes this year?

Is there anything more worse than red carpet interviews?

The red carpet might be wearing sewage tonight, but the Hollywood's elite will be wearing far more conventional—and potentially more offensive—designs. Because sometimes, even a nice updo and the best pair of Spanx can't save terrible judgment.

Tonight, come talk Hollywood awards with us during Gawker and Defamer's Golden Globes coverage—starting with E!'s red carpet show at 6 p.m. ET. Caity Weaver, Lacey Donohue, and Rich Juzwiak will also be live-tweeting the whole shebang at @Gawker and @Defamer.

Throughout this weekend writer Ray Lemoine and others will be contributing short bits of coverage to Defamer from the front lines of the Golden Globes party scene. The first dispatch comes from M.R. Herman.

[Shia LaBeouf announced his retirement Thursday night alongside the mysterious message "#stopcreating." But LaBeouf's love of writing combined with his love of the sky pulled him back into the artistic fold Friday afternoon. "#stopcreating," opined LaBeouf in the skies over Beverly Hills. So deep, man. So fucking deep.]

Ellen Degeneres, or someone close to Degeneres or The Ellen Degeneres Show, broke the number one rule of screener season: only let screeners be borrowed by close friends, their friends, and then maybe their friends, but whatever you do, don't let them get into the hands of strangers who will upload them to the internet.

[Marilyn Monroe accepts her Golden Globe for Female World Film Favorite from Rock Hudson at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's 19^th Annual Dinner on March 13, 1962. The 71^st Annual Golden Globe Awards will be held this Sunday, January 12. Image by Keystone via Getty]

Former New York Times Magazine editor Hugo Lindgren has landed a temp job in Los Angeles. The Hollywood Reporter announced Friday that Lindgren, whose named was once mentioned in an episode of Friends, will begin a stint as their acting editor for three months—and three months only!—starting Jan. 27.

Peter Gould is the most important man in television who many people have still never heard of. As executive producer of Breaking Bad, he wrote and directed some of that series' best known episodes. Now Gould is moving to showrunner status as a co-creator—with Breaking Bad lead Vince Gilligan—of the spinoff Better Call Saul, to be centered on Bob Odenkirk's shady attorney character, Saul Goodman.

Whatever you do, don't ask Judd Apatow questions about Lena Dunham's naked bod.

In a new book written by John Rizzo, a 34-year CIA employee, he makes some shocking allegations about an unnamed Hollywood movie star who was willing to spy in exchange for "primo" drugs.

Discovery Communications announced on Thursday they're changing the name of the Military Channel to the American Heroes Channel because "true heroism isn't reserved solely for the military." By introducing more "narrative-style documentary programming," the network will quickly transition into TLC for men.

The Directors Guild of America announced its TV nominations Thursday and Bryan Cranston continues to best everyone else in Hollywood. Cranston received two directorial nominations, one for an episode of Breaking Bad and another for Modern Family.

The fearless Meryl Streep blasted Walt Disney less than 24 hours before Oscar nominations were due, Amazon Prime Instant Video has cornered the Veronica Mars market, Time Warner Cable is still the fucking worst, and live TV is headed straight into outer space.

[Adam Sandler accepts the Favorite Comedic Movie Actor award from Drew Barrymore onstage at The 40^th Annual People's Choice Awards in Los Angeles Wednesday night. This is why people are not often trusted with choices. The complete list of "winners" can be found here. Image by Kevin Winter via Getty.]

Here's the complete guide to all of the exclusive Golden Globes parties in Los Angeles this weekend. If you're lucky enough to attend one, be sure to share your tales with us.