Days after skirting death in a shark attack, Justin Bieber took to Instagram to show off the ass that would have departed this earth.

Hollywood legend Jerry Weintraub, who produced films such as The Karate Kid and Ocean’s Eleven, has passed away, his publicist told CNN. He was 77.

On Monday, Deadspin’s Diana Moskovitz obtained a disturbing collection of documents from a 2005 civil suit against Bill Cosby by former Temple University employee Andrea Constand, who accused the comedian of drugging and raping her. While the suit was settled out of court in 2006, the case’s records remained sealed until today, when a federal judge released the documents over objections by Cosby’s legal team.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, who’s just one pass completion short of getting everything he ever wanted in life, really wanted to date Ciara. Now he is dating Ciara. What he’s not doing—he claims—is having sex with Ciara.

According to the Associated Press, Bill Cosby said in a 2005 deposition that he bought Quaaludes with the intention of giving them to women he wanted to have sex with. In the same deposition, he reportedly admitted to giving drugs to a female former Temple University employee who filed a lawsuit accusing him of rape that same year. The suit claimed that the comedian drugged and raped the woman—later identified as Andrea Constand, the former director of operations for Temple’s women’s basketball program—at his Philadelphia mansion in 2004.

If I ever become an actor and get famous enough to have my own episode of Inside the Actors Studio, when James Lipton asks me, “If Heaven exists what would you like to hear God say at the Pearly Gates?,” my answer will be: “Yomma kippee yabo, said erayfa kabo in da Latin he quoth: You, Jay, soffa saray!!!”

One year ago this month, Kristin Cavallari went shopping. I mean, of course she did, but I know for a fact she went shopping at a certain bargain home furnishings chain store in Los Angeles because there are many, many, many meticulously staged paparazzi photos of this shopping excursion available for purchase and publication online.

In a recent Sunday Times profile, R&B singer Miguel claimed that he possesses more musical talent than Frank Ocean and The Weeknd, two contemporaries to which the 29-year-old is often compared.

The Kardashian-Disick House hath fallen and Our Lady Kourtney is a Lady no more. According to reports, the third-most popular Kardashian and her long-term partner “Lord Scott Disick” have split for good, and not just because he refers to himself as “Lord Scott Disick.”

Strong sexy straight man Hugh Jackman worries his wife when he shoots with beautiful women because he gets tempted—Tempted to design a line of accessories for them? you ask—no, tempted to do sex things with them!

If you thought the plot of Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 camp classic The Room was plausible, worth taking seriously, and merely in need of a more stable guiding hand to make sense, congratulations, you’re no longer the only person on earth who feels that way. Writing under the name “Devastated,” someone essentially transcribed the plot of The Room in a letter to Amy Dickinson, who writes the syndicated “Ask Amy” advice column. It ran as the lead question under the headline “Don’t turn dysfunctional relationship into marriage.” Below is the original letter with link annotations to relevant Room clips:

Prince George of Cambridge, future King of Australia and beyond, cried like a little bitch Sunday at a party for God and his sister thrown by his tired parents.

Blur frontman/voice of one of the Gorillaz Damon Albarn played a marathon five-hour set at Africa Express at the Roskilde Music Festival in Denmark on Saturday, and yet he still wanted more. Typical rock star excess.

It’s officially safe to presume Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis—two beautiful famous people with an arguable talent for emoting—have entered a contract of holy matrimony. Or maybe they got married again. Who knows? These are the great mysteries of our time and they reveal themselves at their will, not ours.

It’s Kristin Cavallari’s half-birthday. Today, she is 28.5 years old.

On Saturday, piano man Billy Joel was in a marrying state of mind.

In 2011, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick purchased a 150-year-old townhouse in Greenwich Village for $18,995,000. Last week, they sold the home for $18,250,000—a loss of $745,000, plus however much they invested in restoring and refurbishing the place. Whoops!

In honor of Independence Day, we will now relay an independent thought Kristin Cavallari once had about politics.

According to a report citing Star magazine, Tom Cruise may be considering leaving the Church of Scientology, of which he has been the most visible devotee for many years. The actor’s alleged crisis of faith comes, apparently, after a phone call with his daughter Suri.

As you enjoy your burgers, your beer, and your patriotic crop tops this weekend, remember: “Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.”