Two days ago, the actor Ashton Kutcher posted a photo of a baby girl on Instagram. His baby? Funny you should ask—a lot of people are wondering the same thing:

Here’s a problem: Mila Kunis’ stalker Stuart Lynn Dunn escaped from a mental health facility in Pomona, California, this weekend, and he’s yet to be found. According to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department, Dunn made an “unauthorized departure” from the facility around 8 p.m. Saturday. Kunis has been notified (that her worst nightmare has come true).

I bet you didn't even remember that you didn't know whether or not Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were married.

After getting intimate with Ashton Kutcher at least one time, Mila Kunis gave birth to a baby. And let Mila Kunis tell you, that baby was freakin' huge. She revealed to Ellen Degeneres today that not-so-little Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher "was 9.5 pounds when she was born." Really? "Yeah! Yeah! Uh huh!" Mila confirmed.

On Tuesday at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, California, a sweet little baby girl popped out of the beautiful Mila Kunis's shredded vagina. What is the baby's name?

Mila Kunis is so beautiful, and her vagina is about to be so shredded.

On Wednesday night's Jimmy Kimmel Live, Ashton Kutcher told stories about his brother's wedding and, because he's Ashton Kutcher, talked about slapping balls. But he also had an important message for Charlie Sheen, the actor he replaced on the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men.

Human jelly beans and BFFS Teenz and Ames will be hosting the Golden Globes again, hurrah!; Kelso is the richest man on your 62"; Michael Fassbender and little Michael Fassbender will not be campaigning for an Oscar this year; Aaron Paul has turned Bitch! into a song.

Lessons learned: 1) Don't name your startup after an oppressive political ideology. 2) Get a more sound advisor than a guy who made trucker hats cool and his old ball and chain who loves dick jewelry.