On Wednesday night's Jimmy Kimmel Live, Ashton Kutcher told stories about his brother's wedding and, because he's Ashton Kutcher, talked about slapping balls. But he also had an important message for Charlie Sheen, the actor he replaced on the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men.

According to rumors, Charlie Sheen's new girlfriend Brett Rossi is jealous of his ex-wife Denise Richards and wants her to leave the neighborhood they all share. According to Twitter, Charlie Sheen thinks Denise Richards is an oinky shit-slinging pig.

Jenny McCarthy, vaccination-denier and Queen of Idiot Nation, is pissed you think her son doesn't have autism. In other idiot news, Charlie Sheen might have married a porn star, and Will Smith misses Uncle Phil. All this and more in your Defamer Monday breakdowns.

One of the big unwritten rules about getting away with murder is laying low afterwards. (Well, the first big rule is not doing it again. But after that, definitely laying low.) Laying low does not include writing a book about how you would hypothetically commit the crime we all know you committed. Or attempting armed robbery and kidnapping of your own sports memorabilia. And it DEFINITELY does not include appearing on television alongside equally mentally deranged friends.

Charlie Sheen had his Anger Management co-star Selma Blair fired because he like-liked her and she did not feel the same way, report says.