From Saturday's NYT's story on Michael Jackson's not guilty plea on 10 counts of sexual abuse of a 13-year-old boy:

The Smoking Gun has a stack of FCC complaints filed against Oprah Winfrey for her infamous March "salad tossing" show, in which a frank discussion of teenage sexuality lead to a graphic description of licking assholes. Many of the complaints were apparently the work of irate Howard Stern fans, who has been repeatedly fined for often less graphic shenanigans.

In discussing the possibility that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher might have recently married in a top-secret, Kabbalicious ceremony, we wondered what said ceremony might look like. Protocols (tagline: "A group of Jews endeavors towards total domination of the blogosphere") blogger Steven I. Weiss actually picked up a phone and tried to find out. [Ed. note—That sounds uncomfortably close to "reporting." You're a blogger, now put that vodka bottle back in your craw and keep typing, monkey!] Of course, what follows is totally expected, except that Weiss doesn't mention the part where they try to sell you a case of their magical water:

Movie Poop Shoot's "Hollywood Elsewhere" columnist Jeffrey Wells puts out a plea to find his son a summer job in Los Angeles. The kid's got his own car, and according to the proud papa, "good-looking"—he included pics of the kid (nope, we're not posting them, but that's Dad on the left) just in case someone wanted to pre-screen based on purely superficial criteria. This is Los Angeles, and without your own car and some nice features the best you're going to do is, well, he'll probably wind up running Disney next week. And, according to the elder Wells, he works cheap. (He's an Internet columnist's kid, not a Katzenberg.) Hey, is he Jewish? Maybe we can get him hooked up with an Olsen, too.

Blogger NewYorkish assembles a timeline of Matthew McConaughey's hairline. If the dates are correct, it looks like the mane of his youth receded like the tide, only to come majestically crashing back as he matured. That's usually the way it works, right? There are also great pics of Nicolas Cage and Harry Connick, Jr, with some very angry-looking, accusatory arrows jabbing at their terrorized follicles. Maybe Cage just wanted to look a tad more hirsute for his alleged, secret fiancée.

Do your lefty/environmentalist politics haunt you each time you're ferried to the edge of the red carpet in a gas-guzzling, smog-spewing, 15-passenger Hummer limousine, but it's too hard to cram the hookers into one of those Back to the Future 2-looking hybrid cars? EVO Limo now has a Chevy Suburban limo that runs on natural gas and emits 80 percent less smog-forming emissions than a gas-powered stretch. Sold yet? Cameron Diaz likes them, as does Woody Harrelson (though we imagine his ride could run on the hemp fumes.) But if the idea of kicking back in an eco-friendly ride doesn't seem glam enough for the Hollywood A-list, maybe we can just tell them that the limos are made in a sweatshop staffed entirely by production assistants and junior agents. As long as someone's suffering, both the environment and a $20 million-per-picture star can both come out winners.

LA Voice's Mack Reed went to Universal Studios during the heat wave, and muses on the plight of struggling actors encased in foam-headed character costumes:

The New Republic's Yossi Klein Halevi takes a look inside L.A.'s Kabbalah Centre, the mother ship of celeb-courting mystical mumbo-jumbo, and finds...Madonna in a trucker hat. (Ed. note—Any cult worth its tithe has some kind of dress code. Not that Scientology is a cult. We didn't say that, okay? We're just saying they have some great uniforms. They look like funny little sailors! And not in a cult-y way.)

The Oregonian does us a favor and presents a list of celebrities who've at least dabbled in Kabbalah. Of course, individual cultish Jewish Mysticism mileage may vary. Madonna's all wacky for Kabbalah's blessed water and sells her book through the Kabbalah Centre; others may just have been spotted with a red string accidentally hanging off the cuff of a sweater, which provides absolutely no protection from the evil eye.

FRIDAY:
-See Moving Units play with "Special Guests" at the Glass House in Pomona, and wonder aloud that the "Guests" look a hell of a lot like the Pixies. (Who just happen to be playing Coachella on Saturday).

We infiltrated this weekend's LAT Festival of Books at UCLA, partly out of curiosity. We all know that people in L.A. don't read books. Was "books" being used at a euphemism for scripts? As it turns out, there were actual books, and people who seemed to enjoy books. We're not sure how the LAT afforded to import tens of thousands of bibliophile tourists (we think airlift). Either that or they lured the locals with an open casting call for the next Survivor.

Doctors are now offering what is sure to become the hottest surgerical breakthrough to hit Hollywood since the discovery of the breast-bazooming properties of silicone: "voice lifts." The surgery strengthens old vocal chords and has the patients sounding young again.

In his weeklong diary for Slate, Brit writer Toby Young takes the overdone observation that "fame is like a drug" and extrapolates it into a city-wide epidemic:

In a diary for Slate, writer Toby Young (How to Lose Friends and Alienate People) describes his temporary move from London to Los Angeles to write a novel featuring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as characters. In Young's Starmaggeddon, a sweeping Second Great Depression ravages America, and the public turns on the celebrity class, who are herded into concentration camps.

The adult film industry is in a virtual shutdown as porn stars Darren James and Lara Roxx were diagnosed with HIV. Several adult film production companies announced a 60 day coitus interruptus so that further testing of actors who'd performed with James and Roxx could be conducted.