As you may remember, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were incapable of hiding their disdain for both each other and their lightly-sexy sex movie 50 Shades of Grey throughout the press tour for 50 Shades of Grey, which took place earlier this year. Johnson is currently making the rounds for her new film Black Mass, but still can’t shake the fact that oh my god she hated that other movie so fucking much.

The woman trapped in a hell of her own making, Dakota Johnson, returned from vacation yesterday. Was the reticent Fifty Shades of Grey star partying in Mexico, spring break style, with girlfriends her own age (25)? No. She was in Cancun with her mom and her mom's most embarrassing friend, Kris Jenner.

Like a song you cannot get out of your head no matter how hard you try, its chorus forever returning to your idle mind—"Staaay with me / 'Cause you're...all-I-need"—Jamie Dornan just cannot stop telling interviewers that he and Dakota Johnson had chemistry and also that he is a father and a husband too, and do you know that his wife is actually fine with 50 Shades?

Dakota Johnson brought her mom Melanie Griffith to the Oscars tonight, and Jaysusss was she embarrassing. It turns out that Mel hasn't seen Fifty Shades of Grey, and she doesn't really plan on seeing Fifty Shades of Grey, because she doesn't have to see "that" to know Dakota is a great actress. Moommm.

Sam Taylor-Johnson's movie adaptation of E. L. James's novel Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic thriller without the thrills. It's a hooker fantasy without any cash transaction. (At least Christian Grey could have the decency to pay Anastasia Steele for her trouble and degradation!) It's S&M without any real pain. It's sex without a single fluid swapped.

It would be much easier for 50 Shades of Grey stars Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson to openly despise each other if the exact nature of their film did not require the publication of highly ridiculous photos like this upcoming spread in W, in which they show off one of the film's legendarily kinky sex positions: man on top.

The director of Fifty Shades of Grey says the movie is more than just the sexless story of two co-workers who hate each another—it's also the coming-of-age story of one woman's pubic hair. Like Boyhood, but all the characters are pubes.

According to its publisher, at the spike of its popularity, two copies of E.L. James' 50 Shades of Grey trilogy were being sold every second. In accessible terms, that works out to more than one hundred million copies sold, to date.

Sons of Anarchy's Charlie Hunnam and Ben and Kate's Dakota Johnson have just been confirmed as the leads of 50 Shades of Grey, according to an exclusive from Deadline's Mike Fleming Jr posted at 8:11 AM Pacific time.