Today sees the release of the fourth proper Justin Bieber studio album, Purpose, an album that contains a fair amount of listenable material from Bieber (at least three songs!). Preceding this album has been a string of derpily titled singles—“Where Are Ü Now,” “What Do You Mean,” “Sorry”—that work on their own as proper songs and don’t require built-in fandom for appreciation. They’ve all gone Top 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 (“What Do You Mean” debuted at No. 1, in fact), which has helped shape a narrative that this album marks a comeback for Bieber. But where did he go? What do you mean, music press? And, most importantly, why should we care? Below we attempt to unravel these great mysteries.

What do dads say? Probably something like, “The game’s on!” Right? Another classic thing dads say is: “Ask your mother.” You can hear it now. Or maybe they say, “GET OFF THE LINE!” if they need to use the phone for business, and here you are talking to your friend about what? Nothing. But what do dads say if they see your penis and it’s big?

A refresher course on Justin Bieber’s dad. He’s allegedly: abandoned Bieber’s mother, roundhouse kicked a woman in the face, harassed a fight attendant so badly that she cowered in a cockpit, thrown a dog off a balcony and trashed an apartment paid for by his son. And he dresses like every day is Halloween during the year Malibu’s Most Wanted came out.

In the case of Justin Bieber’s dick, the verdict is now in.

Yesterday, famed butt-haver Justin Bieber posted his Great White Ass on Instagram and today, noted nipple-freer Chrissy Teigen responded with a game theory-approved tit-for-tat strategy, uploading a picture of husband John Legend’s backside.

Days after skirting death in a shark attack, Justin Bieber took to Instagram to show off the ass that would have departed this earth.

Last July brought us one of the great celebrity stories of our time, when Orlando Bloom swung at Justin Bieber in an Italian restaurant in Ibiza as Leonardo Dicaprio cheered on. Though the two have not crossed paths since, branches are still sprouting from their twisted sexagon, with the newest one being even a bigger diva than either Bieber or Bloom: Mariah Carey.

It’s not a particularly “fresh” “joke” to point out the similarities between Justin Bieber’s appearance and that of Ellen DeGeneres, but if it’s the truth, what else can you do. Lie? Do you want us to tell you a lie? We are not liars. Justin Bieber got a haircut, and he looks more like Ellen Degeneres than ever.

Last month, Justin Bieber told USA Today, "I want a girl I can trust, who I can lean on. This business is hard, and I want someone I can confide in." Who could that girl be?

Like a modern-day Helen of Troy wearing a diaper, tiny singer Ariana Grande started a war last night.

The campaign to humanize Justin Bieber continues. Is it going well? Not exactly. I guess it depends on how you feel about Justin Bieber already, but to be honest, sometimes it's hard to figure out what he's even talking about. Examine:

This dude chatted with Justin Bieber on a mountain for twenty minutes, says this dude.

Leonardo DiCaprio, actor and founding member of the Pussy Posse, and Justin Bieber, dystopian parable admonishing fame's influence, were spotted partying together at 1Oak nightclub in West Hollywood over the weekend. Hmm. But don't those guys hate each other?

A tiny, precious Yorkshire terrier puppy, through no fault of her own, finds herself dependent on late-stage puberty sufferer Justin Bieber and/or members of his family and entourage for her care and continued survival. Good luck and godspeed, Esther the puppy. Other pets in this position haven't fared all that well.

David Arquette was reportedly kicked out of Justin Bieber's birthday, which is sad.

After unretouched images from Justin Bieber's now-infamous Calvin Klein ads leaked online earlier this year, JB went into full crisis mode, calling on his personal trainer to attest to the claim that his muscles, and also his penis, are real, and real big. What next, other than a shirtless shot for the cover of Men's Health?

Mr. McPissy Boy Justin Bieber, who is working on being less "arrogant and conceited," will humble himself once again by flying commercial instead of private to a judicial hearing in Miami on March 20. According to TMZ, Bieber tried to get out of the hearing by claiming it would be too expensive to fly his private jet there.

The young woman whom Drama follows, Selena Gomez, could come bear the wrath of her longtime BFF Taylor Swift soon, thanks to the 36-year-old DJ known as Diplo. Why? Because Diplo, an adult who enjoys and produces electronic music, apparently also likes meddling in the tender, romantic affairs of America's young people.

Emotional minefield Justin Bieber, currently attempting to rebrand himself as something other than a stubborn piss-stain, stopped his car to acknowledge an elderly fan (Larry King) in L.A. this morning, earning himself 3 karma points and 12 hours of Lindsay Lohan community service. A pleasant time was had by all, except the girl who fell out of her mom's car while chasing Bieber.

Last night, after making a perfectly adequate appearance on Ellen, Justin Bieber posted a video on some impenetrable new app apologizing to fans for being "conceited" and "arrogant" for the last 12 to 18 months of his life. "I just want to be kind, and loving, and gentle, and soft," he says. Justin Bieber, please calm down.