Above is a photo of Justin Bieber taken yesterday afternoon in Los Angeles. Justin, is the music too loud for you, my sweet baby? Is the sun in your eyes? Are those your special blue pillows you take everywhere in case you need a break from a world spinning much too fast beneath your feet?

Despite everyone's best hopes and intentions, the saga of Justin Bieber's crotch is far from over. Last week, new evidence arose suggesting that the swaggy singing sensation may actually have—as he has previously claimed—a large penis.

No stranger to Drama, Selena Gomez has once again found herself embroiled in a love triangle of her own making. After attending the Golden Globes last weekend, she was spotted holding hands with a man who is not on-again-off-again boyfriend Jersten Beibler, but rather the DJ and producer "Zedd." People now has a question for each and every one of us: "Are Selena Gomez & Zedd More Than Friends?"

This weekend's Saturday Night Live featured a series of (very funny) commercials spoofing Justin Bieber's recent, enlarged Calvin Klein ads. In response to the sketches, Justin Bieber took some time on Sunday to tweet what is becoming a classic Bieber reply.

Justin Bieber has heard claims that his muscles are kinda weak and his happy trail isn't full and his dick isn't humungous, and to that he has one response, as sent from some sort of bathroom that has at least four sinks: "Photoshop lol."

A single question now plagues the minds of all Americans, weighing down our brains as we slump in our office chairs, then slump in our cars, then slump in our couches, and then slump into bed: how big is Justin Bieber's penis really?

Unretouched photos from Justin Bieber's Calvin Klein shoot acquired by BreatheHeavy.com show that editing software blessed the lil' skater boy with a brand new penis as well as body hair. The GIF below illustrates his miraculous transformation from boy to man.

The release of Justin Bieber's Calvin Klein campaign earlier this week brought with it an unexpected and upsetting question for many across the world—some of them employees of this very blog: Is Justin Bieber actually kind of hot? Thanks to an unretouched photo obtained by TMZ, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Be still everyone's hearts, even my own heart, which I must admit is beating slightly faster now for some reason: Here are the first photos of Justin Bieber's Calvin Klein underwear campaign. Bieber posted the pics to Instagram on the 5th of the year, announcing "this is just the start of the year" and encouraging everyone to "#beallyoucanbe."

In this era of chic, superstar babies like Blue Ivy Carter and North West, it's important to remember that sometimes celebrity children become one of America's most abundant natural resources: dumb, embarrassing, fartcloud teenagers. Let us examine the so-far cautionary tale of Michael Jackson's son: Michael Jackson, Jr. aka Prince.

Justin Bieber may be your favorite skater—next to Bucky Lasek—but he is not your favorite private jet owner. (The title reverts to Larry Page and Sergey Brin, so congrats to them.)

Bummer, dude. Our bro Bieber got a hella un-mellow awakening in NYC on Sunday when he bing bonged his skateboard right out from under his little feet-flops. Wonkers!

Does he deserve it? Santa says yes.

BONK BONK BONK. WEEE-OOOO WEEE-OOOO. PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW. This is not a test. Please take to your hair chairs and put on your helmets—just kidding. That part was a test. Do not put on your helmets. Just put on your hair seat belts in your hair chairs and you'll be fine. Justin Bieber dyed his hair blond!

Justin Bieber has a new pool and it's shaped like a horn? Or like an exclamation point as designed by Romero Britto? Or a pen as imagined by the set designer on Prometheus? Anyway, this pool is costing Justin Bieber basically your entire year's salary (if you're lucky) per month, and not to pile on the kid here, but damn is this pool wack.

It is en vogue to hate on Justin Bieber for being a punk—and, granted, Justin Bieber is a punk. But Justin Bieber, just a talented kid, is not the Bieber you should hate. No, that is Jeremy Bieber, Justin's dad.

In the love rhombus that is Justin Bieber's life, there are many brown-haired players. Last night, piss baby Bieber Instagrammed and then deleted a pic of his on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez. Is he just trying to get her back after maybe hooking up with a Kardashian and a French lady in Paris?

Bored miscreant Justin Bieber has been charged with assault and dangerous driving following his arrest Friday by police for crashing his ATV into a minivan near Statford, Ontario, Biebs' hometown.

He has joked about fucking his friend's mom, gotten swung on in an Italian restaurant and, of course, pissed in a mop bucket. There is nothing too low-rent for Justin Bieber, and now we can add this one to the list: last night in Los Angeles, he got into a fight at a Dave & Buster's.

Bad news if you liked ur boy's stash, 'cause ur boy just got rid of it. (Also ur boy's stash was disgusting and u got bad taste in boys and stashes, sry).