Since its release last week, One Direction’s new album Made in the A.M. has echoed loudly over the hot, muddy shit pits of hell. “I’ve got fire for a heart, I’m not scared of the dark. You’ve never seen it look so easy.” On the beat, the devil cackles and takes a coal from the fire, tossing it onto Harry Styles’s boyish torso. Simon Cowell knew this was coming.

Might Louis Tomlinson not have impregnated Los Angeles-based stylist Briana Jungwirth? An In Touch source says: [suggestive shrug and raising of eyebrows].

Louis Tomlinson, the member of Judas-themed pop group One Direction who allegedly impregnated Los Angeles-based stylist Briana Jungwirth with his liar’s seed, posted a message to Twitter last night regarding One Direction’s one-year hiatus.

Multiple outlets reported over the weekend that, beginning in March 2016, tumultuous pop group One Direction will go on a temporary, year-long hiatus. The boys allegedly won’t tour after the release of their fifth album and will instead focus on solo projects. Then, finally, after they’ve gotten this rotten, lust-driven desire out of their system, they’ll come back together as god intended as the group One Direction...or will they?

Earlier today, male pop ensemble One Direction released “Drag Me Down,” the group’s first single without former member Zayn Malik (the member who liked graffiti). “Drag me down,” fans wonder, “Is this a dig at Zayn?”

People reports Louis Tomlinson, the member of One Direction whose features are most beautifully feminine, is having a baby with Los Angeles-based stylist Briana Jungwirth. Congratulations to the surprised couple!

During the first night of the North American leg of One Direction’s On the Road Again tour in San Diego, California, Harry Styles took a big, silly, backwards tumble to the ground. This was also America’s first Zayn-free One Direction concert. Coincidence?

“We totally respect his decision,” One Direction wrote in a statement announcing Zayn Malik’s departure. “And send him all our love for the future.” *Maury voice* That’s a lie.

Zayny baby! Let’s rap. First you quit British boy band One Direction; then you blithely go on vacation with your fiancée Perrie Edwards; then you let some rumors fly about possibly getting married at Disneyland. And now, a major haircut and a nose piercing? You wanna tell us what’s going on?

In a recent interview with New Zealand's ZM Online, singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran revealed a few things: in addition to being a troubadour, he's a cock connoisseur; he thinks One Direction's Harry Styles has a big dick; and said photo proving Styles's hung status was leaked onto the internet a few years ago by Styles himself. Via Towleroad, 'av a watch, guvnuh:

Twenty-two-year-old singer Zayn Malik, formerly of One Direction, is engaged to be married to a 21-year-old woman named Perrie Edwards. That's pretty crazy in and of itself, but now fans are speculating that Zayn is going to get married...in DISNEYLAND. In JUNE!!!!!

Zayn Malik, erstwhile One Directioner, current life-ruiner, is on vacation in France right now with his family and his fiancée, Perrie Edwards. Incredible. Can you believe this fucking guy?

There comes a time in every young man's life when he must strike out on his own. For Aubrey Graham, that time was 2009, when he left the Canadian band Degrassi to become a rapper named Drake. For Zayn Malik, that time was last week, when he quit One Direction to...also become a rapper named Drake?

Zayn—what's going on in his brain? So many thoughts he can't contain. He had to give his mouth free rein, so an exclusive interview The Sun obtain(ed)—Zayn.

Hey, Zayniacs. Having a good day? Feeling refreshed and remaining positive about the future of One Direction, despite Zayn Malik's recent decision to take time off in order to recuperate from stress brought on by the media? I think you might need to sit down.

The world got word yesterday that Zayn Malik, the member of One Direction who likes graffiti, exited One Direction's world tour due to rumor-based stress. Today, the world has gotten word that everybody is worried about him.

Take a deep breath. Take another. Lie down on the ground. Close your eyes. Picture the world falling down around you. Imagine your body covered in debris. Do you feel its weight? You are immobile and your breath is shallow. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end. Zayn got a haircut.

Aging storybook character Daniel Radcliffe is the second-richest young person under 30 in the U.K., according to Heat Magazine's annual list. Teen Twitter trend "One Direction" is number one. Uhh, wait a second, says Mister Potter: "Not that I care but I am definitely first!"

Harry Styles, little bescarfed hair boy of your dreams, joke proposed to a fan dressed as a bride (not you) on stage at a performance in Philadelphia earlier this week. I'm so sorry!

25-year-old One Direction fan Anna Todd just landed a six-figure advance when Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, bought the rights to her One Direction fan fiction. Excuse me, her erotic One Direction fan fiction.