Scarlett Johansson, who played an extraterrestrial in Under the Skin but is almost certainly a human being in real life, says John Travolta did not creep her out at the Oscars. People might think that she looks uncomfortable in the photo above, but people are wrong.

What do we know about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? We know they are celebrities, for one. We know they are former lovers, as well as actors. We know their names. Finally, we know that they are Oscar presenters who attended the 2015 Oscars without their significant others Jennifer Garner and Casper Smart, respectively. Seems like a lot of things that we know, yes, but I can assure you there is at least one thing we don't know about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

Oh my God, Michael Keaton thought he was going to win Best Actor. Oscar prognosticators had Redmayne and Birdman's Michael Keaton nearly neck-and-neck for the prize. Keaton was ready to win. He wanted to win. Oh my God, he wanted to win so bad and then he didn't and then he had to stuff his acceptance speech back in his jacket pocket and it was so, so, so sad Jesus.

After staying completely silent for a torturously long period of one year, John Travolta finally broke his legendary silence on his gaffe from last year's Oscars. It turns out that he didn't call Idina Menzel "Adel Dazeem" because he just figured it couldn't be that hard to introduce an award show performance, but because he was distracted by a "charismatic, sexy, beautiful" woman (Goldie Hawn).

The Academy Awards have come and gone, and can you even remember them? I can—almost. Neil Patrick Harris had a briefcase, from what I can recall, and Birdman won (I think) all of the trophies. Also: It rained. Let's take a look back at the memorable moments, of which there were few.

Sean Penn drew this year's Best Picture announcement, and he revealed Birdman as the winner with a bizarre and racist joke about Mexican director Alejandro González Iñárritu: "Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?" What a way to end the show!

Here's Imitation Game writer Graham Moore's Oscars acceptance speech. Full text below.

At this point in Lady Gaga's career, she has begun transitioning from spicy pop tart in a meat suit to subdued Barbara Streisand ballad-singer, and when she was called in to a perform a medley of Sound of Music staples in the stead of Julie Andrews, she did not disappoint. In fact, she sounded amazing. A real stunner.

John Travolta and Idina Menzel presented Best Original Song tonight with a bit that referenced Travolta's pronunciation screw up at last year's Academy Awards, which you certainly have never forgotten nor wished to forget. The whole thing was totally boring and predictable but it did include a very normal interaction between Travolta, a man, and Menzel, a woman.

John Legend and Common came together tonight for a stirring performance of "Glory," the song they wrote for civil rights film Selma. Because the Oscars have thus far been lackluster, uncomfortable, and flat (as they tend to be), watching the two perform "Glory" on an Edmund Pettus Bridge was tonight's standout and the night ain't even over.

While doing that thing where people come out and talk about nominees for Best Picture (in this case: Whiplash, The Imitation Game, and Selma), Terrence Howard almost started crying. When he did this, I thought he was leading into an introduction of the notoriously snubbed Civil Rights drama Selma. He was not leading into that, but into The Imitation Game, the Alan Turing biopic. OK, then. I guess he really likes Alan Turing?

The Oscars never forgets to honor its dead with an outsize, syrupy montage embedded somewhere in the last half of the broadcast when most of the audience is drunk or sleeping. This year there were many personalities to be remembered: Robin Williams, Mike Nichols, a few marketing directors that were likely important in some way, and for some reason Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Who is she?

The Academy Awards that go to movies you haven't seen are usually a little forgettable, but check this out: two British dudes just won for short film, and one of them pretended his statuette was his willie.

Patricia Arquette's acceptance speech is the one to beat, and no one believes this more than her fellow nominee Meryl Streep. Accepting the trophy for her supporting role in Boyhood, Arquette made things political in the most plainspoken way possible:

Miles Teller, a drummer, and Margot Robbie, a babe, presented the award for best Sound Editing in a feature film. Miles Teller needs to distance himself from major nerd status, so why not ask this lady out? You see the incredibly sexual tension between these two?

After the very beautiful and very boring Polish movie Ida won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film, director Pawel Pawlikowski spoke for about 30 seconds before the orchestra began playing him off, just as he was thanking his late wife. As the music swelled so did Pawlikowski's voice, until the show's producers finally admitted defeat and cut off the orchestra. His steadfastness inspires us all.

Wes Anderson, a mouse-man and also a movie director, is at the Oscars tonight with a decidedly "alt" looking woman. HMMM. How did she get in? Who is she? Is she a spy? My viewing companion says she looks like a two-bit Rachael Leigh Cook, but I am impressed by her hair, which looks natural, her face, which looks natural, her willingness to be myopic in public, and her vintage wedding dress.

Oh, you prefer a nice long gown with beads and ruching? You want a statement necklace and a boxy clutch? Too fucking bad. Here are Tegan and Sara looking like hot sisters who could also be a couple. This is the look of the night.

Dakota Johnson brought her mom Melanie Griffith to the Oscars tonight, and Jaysusss was she embarrassing. It turns out that Mel hasn't seen Fifty Shades of Grey, and she doesn't really plan on seeing Fifty Shades of Grey, because she doesn't have to see "that" to know Dakota is a great actress. Moommm.