Earlier this week, Cameron Diaz, movie star, got married to Benji Madden, backup vocalist and second most famous member of the unmemorable pop-punk band Good Charlotte. The festivities were spread out over the course of two days. Among the delights: a disappointed toast; the guest list of your dreams (your confusing, barely-remembered dreams that don't make sense upon waking); a quasi-Klan hood in beautiful bridal white. "Shit, fuck" said Diaz (reportedly), shortly before walking down the aisle. "This is fucked up."

What follows is our analysis of the parts of the wedding that were fucked up.

A Klandestine Ceremony

Diaz and Madden were married on Monday night in what People describes in an exclusive report as an "intimate ceremony" at their home in Los Angeles. Though People labels the wedding a "surprise," the couple were nonetheless well-prepared for an onslaught of paparazzi attention: In order to hide her dress from prying lenses and the eyes of a nosy God, Diaz walked to the altar fully contained within a miniature sheet pavilion.

Here is a photo of the contraption via a TMZ tweet, which poses the searing but unavoidable question: "Why did Cameron Diaz's wedding look like a KKK rally?":

I don't have the answer.

Notice the raging fire in the upper left, which, when viewed in person rather than in the background a low-quality digital camera photo, would most likely reveal itself to be a table laden with inoffensive candles. Or perhaps a burning cross. Diaz and Madden have never spoken out explicitly against the KKK.

A Toast to My Special Man

After they were wed, and with the symbols of America's foul history blazing brightly all around them, Diaz gave a toast to her new husband Madden. In it, she referred to him as "my special man," echoing the exact sentiment and phrasing of a single mother embarrassing her son at his 11th birthday.

Via the Daily Mail:

'I waited because I didn't want to settle,' the Sex Tape star said at the couple's wedding reception, flashing her famous mega-watt smile.

'Now I got the best man ever. My special man. He's mine.'

One would be hard pressed to come up with a sentiment more romantic than "This wedding took a long time because I wanted to make sure I wasn't settling." What was clear to all the guests was that Cameron wasn't. She was, after all, marrying one of the guys from Good Charlotte but not the one already married to Nicole Richie.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Fucked Up Shit

But, perhaps, the dark universe didn't want Cameron Diaz to marry Benji Madden after all. According to the Daily Mail, the lights in her backyard went out "10 seconds before her big bridal entrance," which caused her to let out this string of expletives: "Shit, fuck, this is fucked up. You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

Guests of Honor: Wiz Khalifa and Jared Leto's Mom

What actually was fucked up was the guest list, which, according to the Daily Mail, included Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon and Christina Applegate, as well as Wiz Khalifa and, Constance Leto, mother of Jared. Bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore (O.K.) and Robin Antin of the Pussycat Dolls (What?), and music was provided by Ryan Adams (WHY?).

Tater Tot Things

A day later, Diaz and Madden hosted a small celebration at a club in Hollywood. This party slipped under the radar of the paparazzi, but details were passed along to us by a tipster who claims to have been present.

It was at a small bar in Hollywood, maybe 50, 75 people. Drew Barrymore, Sam Ronson, Joel and Nicole, and of course Benj and Cameron. Lots of music people. Very friendly happy vibe.

There were no toasts. It was just everyone hanging out, totally casual. I didn't even look at her ring when I was talking to her! But she was gorgeous of course. She wore a red lace dress.

Servers passed around hamburgers, tater tot things, and mini caesar salad. Very casual.

Nicole was there. She's known Cameron for awhile - I think she introduced her to Benji. They like each other.

Cameron "was gorgeous of course." Cameron and Nicole Richie "like each other." The vibe was very totally casual.

We cannot know for certain whether the anonymous tipster who contacted us was, in fact, one Cameron Diaz, but if it was, allow us to say: Congratulations.

Sorry about the fucked up shit.

[image via Splash]