Haunted beardo Shia LaBeouf kicked off his "I'm normal now, LOL" tour today on The Ellen Show, where he claimed he's been behaving badly for the past year or so because his parents never loved him. He's also "sorry" about that time he spit on a cop. "That's a no-no," he admitted.

Ellen Degeneres mercifully began the interview by pretending not to know what LaBeouf's been up to, which let him give this explanation for putting a bag on his head, doing performance art, and getting arrested at Cabaret. He said he's like a Reddit troll, basically:

I got into this industry because I had this void. I'm a kid of abandonment, so I thought being good at being an actor would somehow fill that void...and so I think people just really want to make a mark. So, people who are online making the comments really just want to make a mark. They want to have an effect. So, I think we suffer from the same thing, which is just a lack of attention and love.

Later, he said that going to jail in June is what really made him snap out of it, which is what jail's supposed to do, I guess.

Jail was quite scary. I was there for...it felt like forever. I think 24 hours, 25 hours. ... This was the worst time. I really went all the way with it. They put a Hannibal mask on me and a led jacket. It was very scary.

Degeneres, again feigning ignorance, asked, "You must have done something very, very bad." LaBeouf responded, "I spit on a cop. That's a no-no. I'm sorry if you're watching, dude. I'm sorry. That was crazy, man."

LaBeouf almost pulled the whole thing off, but then he said he's been running 12 miles every day and called his mom "my girl." As in, "That's my girl."

That's your mom, Shia, and it's not cute to say stuff like that when you've already told Playboy you'd have sex with her.