SPOILER ALERT (just kidding, the following information was spoiled weeks ago by selfish people who do not pay attention to legal contracts): Last night on the season finale of The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe picked Ryan Gosling “lookalike” Shawn Booth in the final rose ceremony. Surprise—not.

Five years ago this week, Kristin Cavallari attended Comic-Con in San Diego, where she spoke to a CNN iReporter for some reason. The reporter did not want to know much about Kristin, but he did ask about Lindsay Lohan, who had just surrendered to jail for failing to attend court-ordered alcohol education classes. “Let’s talk about Lindsay Lohan,” he said. Kristin obliged.

Fearing jail time for not completing her court-ordered community service, Lindsay Lohan has allegedly tried to count greeting fans and letting young people follow her around toward the total 240 hours she owes. Today, TMZ reports that Lindsay has also tried to count performing onstage as service to her community.

Chris Brown's identity was stolen—the inmate ID card he left behind in a California jail found its way online with the asking price of $10,000.

Did you hear? Lohan Lohan was recently diagnosed with the incurable mosquito virus Chikungunya in Bora Bora. She was hospitalized in London this week with a "high fever" and "joint pain," and it was all very hectic, which means Lindsay has not completed her court-ordered community service hours due next week, TMZ reports.

Weaveless and weary Teresa "Tre" Giudice has been behind bars for one full week now at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut, and according to one fellow inmate who spoke to Us Weekly, "vultures" are already scrambling to be her "bestie."

Peach sparkling wine saleswoman Teresa Giudice surrendered to the law this morning, entering the Danbury Correctional Facility in Connecticut at 3 a.m. to serve a 15-month sentence for bankruptcy fraud, conspiracy to commit mail fraud, wire fraud, and failure to pay taxes. She leaves behind four beautiful dooders and her reality TV career (for now).

Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is looking forward to being a Real Housewife of Fun! Jail, according to her legal crisis manager, who just quit. Wendy Feldman tells E! News she dropped Giudice as a client after she asked a judge to send her to the Orange Is the New Black prison.

Haunted beardo Shia LaBeouf kicked off his "I'm normal now, LOL" tour today on The Ellen Show, where he claimed he's been behaving badly for the past year or so because his parents never loved him. He's also "sorry" about that time he spit on a cop. "That's a no-no," he admitted.

Good news for anyone in need of a pen pal. Chris Brown, who was kicked out of rehab on Friday for breaking the rules and making cool threats like "I am good at using guns and knives," will stay in jail until April 23.

In a non-shocking twist to the never-ending Chris Brown saga, Brown is currently headed back to his home away from home because he's been thrown out of rehab.