A tiny dick-grabbing, sizzurp-guzzling menace is on the loose, egging neighbors, drinking drank, and texting cock. This person may or may not be Justin Bieber, but based on reports from law enforcement and leaked text messages, this person sounds an awful lot like Justin Bieber.

After Bieber's house was searched last week and allegations of Bieber's drug problems surfaced, TMZ also reported that officers searching Bieber's home found the following items:

  • 2 large cookie jars filled with weed in plain view
  • 4 - 5 empty codeine bottles
  • Styrofoam cups scattered throughout the house that had elaborate drawings on them
  • empty Fanta bottles (Justin's sizzurp mixer of choice) that were discolored from codeine
  • lots of "swisher sweets" cigars (Justin's weed vessel of choice)
  • a dedicated smoking room in the house, complete with hookah pipes

According to sources, deputies were only looking for surveillance cameras related to recent neighborhood vandalism, and therefore prying open jars and inspecting cups was beyond the scope of the warrant. This seems strange because Bieber's houseguest, Lil Za, was arrested on drug charges during the raid (Za maintains his arrest was racially motivated). However, Bieber has yet to be charged with anything related to egging or codeine-hoarding.

Unrelated to the vandalism raid, but quite possibly related to 19 year-old boys and purple drank, RadarOnline.com has posted "verified" text messages sent by Bieber to his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez last week. While those in Bieber's camp maintain the messages are fake and someone in Bieber's world has turned on him, look at them for yourself and come to your own conclusions.

The leaked texts begin innocently enough:

"Baby come on. I love you," says Maybe Bieber.

"I don't buy that bullshit anymore," Maybe Gomez responds. "I was honest with you and I gave you a second chance. All my friends were right, You're such an a**hole."

Dejected Maybe Bieber doesn't give up: "You're all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you."

"U r a drug addict," she counters. "U need help."

Then Maybe Bieber goes for the kill:

"Come on. Don't tell me you don't miss this," the text says next to a picture of an erect penis. (RadarOnline notes that Bieber is left-handed, and the person in the photo "grabs his genitals with his left hand." Case closed.)

After some arguing about Bieber's manager and rehab, Maybe Bieber decides love can't be salvaged: "F*CK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME B*TCH!!! F*ck you. F*ck Scooter. F*ck all y'all. IAM DONE!"

A relieved Maybe Gomez tells him to go away: "Good!!! Go 'retire' or whatever bullish*t attention ur trying to get."

Then Maybe Bieber ends the conversation with the most Bieberest message of them all:

"Can't hear you over my cash, babe! You're only famous cuz of me. You know it. I know. Everybody knows. Bye. … Go f**k someone else. Keep that talentless p***y away from me!"

If that's not him, well, it should be.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Aspen, Bieber is snowboarding with friends. According to his Instagram, they seem to be having a very lovely time. And he is worried about nothing, babe.

UPDATE: Bieber hopped out of an Escalade in Snowmass, Co. today and pissed his initials into the snow.

[Image via Getty]