Fully-grown human Bill Simmons has the fervency of a small child when he really, really wants something (see: his impassioned pleas back in 2009 to become the general manager of the Timberwolves; see also: the Timberwolves bad cop refusal to indulge this). Good cop Disney has now given in to their adorable son's relentless demands, and made him producer on a Deadspin commenter's upcoming movie.

If you ever wanted to know what it's like to get finger-banged by Skylar Astin from Pitch Perfect and Glee, today is your lucky day. His ex-girlfriend has shared all of the uncomfortable details over at Elle.

Enemies of the heir, beware. J.K. Rowling's Christmas gift to the world is a little more Harry Potter: Rowling has teamed up with two British theater producers to bring a Potter prequel to the stage in London.

"Men At Work is hiring, and they need a diversity staff writer."

A&E—a network that loves to admonish and play dumb after making gobs of money off well-known racists and homophobes—will be busy admonishing and playing dumb again today. All thanks to this newly emerged video of Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson delivering an impassioned speech against the "gross sexual immorality" of "women with women" and "men with men."

No one in the world—not even those who genuinely love Duck Dynasty—could love Duck Dynasty more than Shia LaBeouf right now. Because while everyone else is debating freedom of speech vs. the male anus, LaBeouf continues to quietly and shamelessly exercise his freedom to steal speech. The LaBeouf Plagiarism Train of 2013 shows no sign of stopping; at this point, he's either the world's biggest asshole and doing it on purpose, or the world's stupidest asshole and can't stop himself.

Excellent television company 20th Century Fox, the studio behind fan favorites like Arrested Development, New Girl, and Homeland, has found a new way to make you smile this holiday season: charity dog calendar.

Maybe people will cheer a little less aggressively for Ellen's 12 Days of Giveaways this afternoon—a man who won a vacation from the talk show host died while taking it; a very small Will Ferrell indie flick is making big bucks; Martha Stewart has got no time for Gwyneth Paltrow; and SoulCycle is giving back for the holidays, starting with Carey Mulligan.

Phil Robertson, star of A&E's Duck Dynasty and a religious man with a strong preference for vagina, has been "indefinitely" placed under hiatus from filming following his homophobic interview with GQ.

Netflix released today the trailer for Greg Whiteley's original documentary, "MITT," and while it's only two minutes long, it sure is something—full of quotable lines, it's unintentionally hilarious even when attempting a gentler touch.

Argo screenwriter Chris Terrio will be taking over for David S. Goyer and writing the new draft of the Batman vs. Superman script. While this Batman likely won't be racking up Oscar nods, it does reunite Terrio with his bearded bestie Ben Affleck.

In what will hopefully not inspire even more tacky billboards and even tackier videos, always the bridesmaid never the bride talent agency William Morris Endeavor is buying entertainment and sports marketing giant IMG Worldwide.

Jeff Zucker, former NBCUniversal head turned CNN Worldwide president is best known for architechting Jay Leno's astronomical rise to the most hated talk show host in America. But now Zucker has an inspired new idea: bring Leno—the guy he fucked over—to CNN. What could go wrong?

Tis the season to quickly Google the cost of a gift that someone gave you, so that you can ascertain both how much you mean to them, as well as their disposable income. In the spirit of the holidays, it seemed like the perfect time to remind you that your goal for Christmas 2014 should be to make friends with your friendly neighborhood TV writer—sure they may be anti-social and laugh at their own jokes, but they sure do make a lot of money, and those retina displays aren't buying themselves, now are they?

The parade of black women through 30 Rock's Studio 8H will soon be drawing to a close as Lorne Michaels is zeroing in on who he will add to the cast; what was supposed to be a commercial for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty turned into something much more poignant; the new season of Archer is almost upon us, and thank god; and humor pieces on the economics of Middle Earth should generally try to be, well, humorous.

Just in time to sneak into Oscar nominations, the boys are back, this time at 22 Jump Street. Everyone is white boy wasted, Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill can't stop hugging, and Rob Riggle does his best Saturday Night Live Scared Straight.

Winter is coming, blah, blah, blah, just get me Game of Thrones the fourth season and get it now; the Interstellar is light on story, but heavy on McConaughey at his silken-voiced finest; the Weinstein's are back baby, and you'll never work in this town again (if you're a non-sequel); and because this is Los Angeles, you're welcome for Sriracha: The Movie.

Well, basically anyways. Matthew Perry is writing and starring in another television reboot of Neil Simon's The Odd Couple for CBS.

The road to absolute power is paved with hypocrisy…and casualties. Praise Frank Underwood, the House of Cards season two trailer is here to tide us over until February; SNL will have a black woman on the cast by January; Spider-Man is getting spinoff movies; and Adam Sandler will be overacting the role he was born to play: himself.