Well, at least it isn’t “Bad Blood.”

Happy Labor Day! Here is an old photo of Kristin Cavallari doing one of her most visible jobs: playing Kristin Cavallari on The Hills.

Next Sunday, the Chicago Bears—led by quarterback Jay Cutler—will play their first game of the regular NFL season. What will Kristin Cavallari, who is married to Jay, be doing then? Perhaps making bacon-wrapped butternut squash, as she did for a YouTube video about tailgate snacks for The Frisky last season.

While promoting his new film The Departed 2: Black Mass at a press conference on Friday, Johnny Depp, who is not well, joked (?) about his recent canine controversy: “I killed my dogs and ate them under direct orders from some kind of, I don’t know, sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.”

In 2011, Kristin Cavallari designed her first shoe for a company called Shoe Dazzle, which was founded by Kim Kardashian. Kristin discussed this accomplishment in an interview with CosmoGIRL!, in which she revealed that she named the shoe after her “style icon”:

Have you been paying attention to Jimmy Kimmel lately? I hope not! There are much better things going on. Anyway, let me update you on some Jimmy Kimmel news: you might want to fuck him now.

During a Twitter Q and A sponsored by Revlon® cosmetics earlier this summer, Kristin Cavallari was asked about the timeline of her relationship with her current husband, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. Here’s how she put it:

Today, Kristin Cavallari–whose debut book about “really just everything” in her life hits shelves in 279 days—published an article on her app titled “Fall Shoe Style.” It is, apparently, the final installment in her series of “fall trend” posts; Kristin previously recommended “menswear,” “pleated maxi skirts,” and “jeans.”

The Weeknd sings about sex a lot, and it almost always sounds like a miserable experience. Who wants that? Do you? If yes, please ask yourself why. Actually, I’m going to stop you right there and assume that it’s because you are lost. Luckily, I found you—and I’m here to tell you something: Do not do that. Do not fuck the Weeknd.

Check out Morgan Freeman on the set of this movie—he’s a mummy now.

Nine days of Kristin ago, Kristin Cavallari—author of the forthcoming book Balancing in Heels, formerly titled Balancing on Heels—issued a decree. “Chance is the ultimate boot for fall,” she wrote in an Instagram caption.

Might Louis Tomlinson not have impregnated Los Angeles-based stylist Briana Jungwirth? An In Touch source says: [suggestive shrug and raising of eyebrows].

Bruce Willis and Rumer Glenn Willis, his daughter, are both slated to appear in Xiao Feng’s upcoming Chinese war drama The Bombing. According to Bruce Willis, this is a fact they were unaware of until it was brought up naturally in casual conversation.

It makes me sick that—in 2015!!!—unfettered access to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of those we know from television, film, and photograph is still—somehow??!—out of reach. It is unacceptable. Luckily, in a recent interview with Express, Kate Bosworth let us know what she thinks about her husband.

Sixty-nine days of Kristin ago, Kristin Cavallari made a business decision regarding the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android: She started charging her followers $2.99—per month—to access “exclusive” content on the app. In the intervening weeks, however, she has relented slightly; she’s posted several articles like “Menswear Trends,” “Handbags,” and “Will New ‘Spray GMOs’ Reignite the FrankenFood Debate?” that are free to access, should anyone desire to read them.

I am not Saturday Night Live’s newest cast member Jon Rudnitsky. But if I were, one thing I would have done upon learning that I had achieved my lifelong dream of being hired by Lorne Michaels was delete the following tweets and Vines.

The actor Andrew Garfield, who is dating Emma Stone (confirmed: paparazzi spotted them at lunch this weekend—see for yourself), played the Amazing Spider-Man in the The Amazing Spider-Man in 2012 and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in 2014. Was this a fun and lucrative opportunity for Andrew Garfield? Only the second thing.

In an interview with the Daily Mail, Anthony Horowitz, the novelist most recently selected to add a book to the James Bond canon, spoke about why he thinks Idris Elba wouldn’t accurately inhabit the character. “It’s not a color issue,” he asserted immediately. Hmm—sounds like his story probably checks out, let’s see.

While promoting her line of shoes for Chinese Laundry last fall, Kristin Cavallari assured potential buyers of the timelessness of her designs. “Everything in my line, for the most part, is a staple,” she said. “They’re all classic shoes that you’ll wear forever.” Guess what Kristin’s got for you this season?

Academy Award winner Halle Berry and her French husband Olivier Martinez recently celebrated their second wedding anniversary. How nice, you might be thinking in regard to this milestone and Halle Berry in general. But no, it is not nice. It is not nice at all.