Blogger NewYorkish assembles a timeline of Matthew McConaughey's hairline. If the dates are correct, it looks like the mane of his youth receded like the tide, only to come majestically crashing back as he matured. That's usually the way it works, right? There are also great pics of Nicolas Cage and Harry Connick, Jr, with some very angry-looking, accusatory arrows jabbing at their terrorized follicles. Maybe Cage just wanted to look a tad more hirsute for his alleged, secret fiancée.

We're hearing that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have tied the highly age-inappropriate knot in a private Kabbalah ceremony in Florida. In Touch Weekly will run the cover story this week. Developing, as those other, filthy gossip rags say...

Fresh off the Web press, The Hollywood Reporter's Brooks Boliek sits down for a dialogue with Motion Picture Association of America president and CEO Jack Valenti. Boliek asks him about the MPAA's seemingly Luddite-like/Hulk-smash-interweb! anti-technology stance. "Contrary to popular notion, there are many terrifically smart people in the movie business who have vision and know where the industry is going," defends Valenti.

In the triumphant spirit of Rain Man, I Am Sam, and A League of Their Own, Rosie O'Donnell will play a retarded woman who spends her days riding city buses in a CBS made-for-TV movie, Riding the Bus With My Sister. [Ed. note—We checked, and Rosie's character in League wasn't actually retarded, but close enough. This is a blog. Rock on.]

Zap2it.com has a very handy schedule of all of the 2004 television season finales. For instance, tonight is the last episode of Scrubs on NBC at 9:30 p.m. And we all know that Friends goes away—FOREVER—this Thursday. But is Zap2it a master of subtle parody? Not only does it seems like they're making up shows for the schedule (come on, both a Like Family and a Happy Family?), they're making up entire networks. UPN? ABC? We're pretty sure we've never heard of either of those.

A spy reports from the filming of the first half-hour of the upcoming, hour-long Friends series finale. Beware, and continue only if you want some of the details of the final episode ruined for you. We love spoilers, so we read them, and were really surprised that Chandler was deported to Mexico and Phoebe was fatally mauled by ferrets. Trust us, it all makes sense in context. Read on...

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This is Tina Fey's 1992 UVA senior class photo. Yeah, we miss the glasses, too.

Defamer's Hollywood obsessions include celebrity agent-swapping, aborted pilots, producer bully tactics, aggrieved production assistants, ridiculous script deals, the newest technology in breast implants, and, above all, sweet, sweet box office. We think the gossip in Hollywood has focussed a bit too much on the glamour, and not enough on the important stuff — namely, the cold hard cash. (And, even better, the promise of cash that never materializes.) The real stars of Hollywood, after all, aren't even household names... yet. We hope that L.A., the greatest, cruelest city in the world, is finally getting the gossip rag it deserves.

Gossiplist has a potential Bachelor spoiler (so read only at your own peril). It seems that possibly-cut Giants third-string quarterback and rose-bearer Jesse Palmer might be taking his snaps from contestant Tara, as a local paper in her Oklahoma hometown has spotted him there (though we suppose he could have been there for an on-camera "Meet the Parents"). And Tara likes the football types; she got engaged to one that played for the University of Oklahoma during their 2001 Rose Bowl appearance. Perhaps he can hold down a roster spot in the NFL better than Palmer?

While the rest of the media zigs under a rock to avoid FCC censure in the wake of the Premeditatedly-Exposed Titty That Ate The World, HBO zagged and crammed at least 63 permutations of the "f-word" [Ed. note—"Fuck"] into last night's episode of Deadwood, according to Ann Oldenburg of USA Today. She fails to tally the instances of "cocksucker" in the Western's dialogue; our unofficial count came to "Jesus, they swear a lot on this show." We're going to assume that while Oldenburg could demurely refer to the "f-word" [Ed. note—"Fuck"] in her article, it would have been a little harder to work in a reference to the more obscure label "CS-word" or the phonetically-minded "See-Esser."

Do your lefty/environmentalist politics haunt you each time you're ferried to the edge of the red carpet in a gas-guzzling, smog-spewing, 15-passenger Hummer limousine, but it's too hard to cram the hookers into one of those Back to the Future 2-looking hybrid cars? EVO Limo now has a Chevy Suburban limo that runs on natural gas and emits 80 percent less smog-forming emissions than a gas-powered stretch. Sold yet? Cameron Diaz likes them, as does Woody Harrelson (though we imagine his ride could run on the hemp fumes.) But if the idea of kicking back in an eco-friendly ride doesn't seem glam enough for the Hollywood A-list, maybe we can just tell them that the limos are made in a sweatshop staffed entirely by production assistants and junior agents. As long as someone's suffering, both the environment and a $20 million-per-picture star can both come out winners.

NBC primetime development president Kevin Reilly will become president of NBC Entertainment later this month, according to Variety. He'll still report to Jeff Zucker, who is president of NBC Entertainment, News, and Cable Group. [Ed. note—Yes, these titles are all perfectly clear.] "Kevin is perfectly positioned to help NBC continue its tremendous run," Zucker said Monday. "He's worked hard on a promising new development slate for next year."

The Blueprint was among the seemingly ten million revelers that were shoveled into the Indio, CA desert location of the Coachella festival. And, unlike yours truly, she didn't lose her camera phone ability when full of festival beer and assorted other substances. She grabbed a couple of cam-phone snaps of The O.C.'s Adam Brody ("insanely stoned," pictured at left from The Blueprint) and Mischa Barton ("literally dry-humped by her billionaire Davis boyfriend on the lawn.")

LA Voice's Mack Reed went to Universal Studios during the heat wave, and muses on the plight of struggling actors encased in foam-headed character costumes:

WENN reports that NBC may have failed once again trying to translate a British show for consumption in the states. Test audiences aren't loving the de-crumpeted pilot of The Office. Said a source, "...it was painfully clear that nobody was liking it. The lady next to me said that she found it depressing."

These are the numbers that tell you exactly what America thinks about the abuse of Iraqi POWs:

We returned from the weekend to discover a somewhat disappointing absence of writers' strike Armageddon. No writers with meticulously-written picket signs, no producers "accidentally" running their Hummers up on the sidewalk to get a "story by" credit stuck in the grill. The two sides have adjourned talks until Wednesday, following Sunday's 12:01 a.m. expiration of their contract. This gives both camps time to consider the proposals on the table, dream up synonyms for "greedy" that will look good on a sandwich board, and get those H-2s waxed.

The New Republic's Yossi Klein Halevi takes a look inside L.A.'s Kabbalah Centre, the mother ship of celeb-courting mystical mumbo-jumbo, and finds...Madonna in a trucker hat. (Ed. note—Any cult worth its tithe has some kind of dress code. Not that Scientology is a cult. We didn't say that, okay? We're just saying they have some great uniforms. They look like funny little sailors! And not in a cult-y way.)

BoingBoing points us to this article from MIT's The Tech, in which 82-year-old former Motion Picture Association of America head/digital rights management Kool-Aid drinker Jack Valenti is made to look borderline, um, senile. Not Charlton Heston at the end of Bowling for Columbine senile, but still.