Wes Anderson, a mouse-man and also a movie director, is at the Oscars tonight with a decidedly "alt" looking woman. HMMM. How did she get in? Who is she? Is she a spy? My viewing companion says she looks like a two-bit Rachael Leigh Cook, but I am impressed by her hair, which looks natural, her face, which looks natural, her willingness to be myopic in public, and her vintage wedding dress.

Better or worse than Seth MacFarlane's? I say worse for the cloying factor. On the plus side, it was shorter.

Dakota Johnson brought her mom Melanie Griffith to the Oscars tonight, and Jaysusss was she embarrassing. It turns out that Mel hasn't seen Fifty Shades of Grey, and she doesn't really plan on seeing Fifty Shades of Grey, because she doesn't have to see "that" to know Dakota is a great actress. Moommm.

Settle in for the night, my friend, for the Academy Awards are finally here. Come talk winners, losers, gowns, and gaffes with team Defamer.

Ooops.

The Hollywood Reporter is running a great series right now called "Brutally Honest Oscar Ballots" in which a real life Academy voter is granted anonymity in exchange for full candor in evaluating this year's nominations. The pieces are good if you would like to know what films might win awards this year, but even better if you would like multiple examples showing why Academy voters are fucking crazy.

The 20 stars nominated for Academy Awards this year represent some of the most talented (or, anyway, famous) actors on screen today. At one point, however, they were slack-jawed, blank-eyed, no-name novices. They’d probably like to forget their often humiliating early work, but thanks to the magic of technology, they can never escape it. From Ed Norton’s educational ESL VHS to Emma Stone’s completely mortifying renditions of pop songs on an American Idol knock-off show, so much of the early work of these nominees is jaw-droppingly bad.

Jennifer Aniston did not receive an Oscar nomination for Best Actress yesterday, but her friends Reese Witherspoon and Julianne Moore did. That's fine. Reese's and Julianne's nominations do not take away from the hard work that Jen did on her film Cake—really. Jen is fine.

Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs (along with Chris Pine) announced the Oscar nominees in the major categories this morning, including surprise nominee Dick Poop for the cinematography in Mr. Turner. Congrats, Poop!

The 87th Annual Academy Award nominations were announced this morning, and Jennifer Aniston did not receive one for her buzzed-about role in Cake, despite a long media campaign that culminated in a Golden Globes nod. How is Jen? Jen tells E! News she is "not going to torture" herself. Jen is fine.

Some surprises in this year's Oscar nominees: The Academy still really loves Clint Eastwood and movies about Americans; Jennifer Aniston may or may not be fine that she was snubbed; curious lack of Selma noms.

Remember when Jennifer Lawrence fell over on the red carpet at this year's Oscars? It's because she was almost certainly hammered.

Remember the Academy Awards? Don't worry, no one else does either. The show was boring, the parties were lame, and the dresses were forgettable. But this year's forgettable ensembles—complete with the usual blood diamonds and useless, tiny purses—were also as expensive as fuck.

Miles Scott, the cancer-fighting five-year-old who was granted his wish of becoming a superhero for the day in November, was scheduled to appear at the Academy Awards on Sunday. However, his appearance was pulled the morning of the show with no explanation.

Vanity Fair, an airport magazine that throws an Oscar party with a "famously tight guest list," published an article bragging about how much booze was consumed / money was wasted at their Sunday night tent party. They also sent out an email press blast ("OSCAR PARTY BY THE NUMBERS") to encourage everyone to witness—and presumably write about—the excess. And so we shall.

John Travolta became the laughingstock of the world Sunday evening at the Oscars when he debuted his latest—and increasingly unfortunate—hair. Then he mispronounced Idina Menzel's name, which must have also been embarrassing. But he's only apologizing for one of those two offenses.

After the icy round of applause that didn't involve much clapping, rumors began flying about an alleged feud between 12 Years a Slave director Steve McQueen and screenwriter John Ridley.

Glenn Close introduced Sunday night's Academy Awards "In Memoriam" segment by expressing gratitude toward those who have died: "Because of the great gift of film, they will be here forever. We love you, we honor you, we miss you, but most of all, we thank you." She also suggested, in a halfhearted attempt to mitigate backlash, that there just wasn't enough room to recognize all the dearly departed.

After John Ridley won the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar on Sunday night for his work on 12 Years a Slave, 12 Years director Steve McQueen offered a less-than-enthusiastic palm clap for his colleague. And then Ridley refused to thank McQueen during his acceptance speech. What gives?