Natalie Portman is at once chill and deeply unchill about her Academy Award.

Scarlett Johansson, who played an extraterrestrial in Under the Skin but is almost certainly a human being in real life, says John Travolta did not creep her out at the Oscars. People might think that she looks uncomfortable in the photo above, but people are wrong.

TMZ reports that somebody—and right now, nobody knows who—stole 12 Years a Slave actress Lupita Nyong'o's Oscars dress from her hotel room after the ceremony. The gown, covered in "6,000 white Akoya pearls," is valued at $150,000. Now's the time to come clean: Did you borrow it?

Oh my God, Michael Keaton thought he was going to win Best Actor. Oscar prognosticators had Redmayne and Birdman's Michael Keaton nearly neck-and-neck for the prize. Keaton was ready to win. He wanted to win. Oh my God, he wanted to win so bad and then he didn't and then he had to stuff his acceptance speech back in his jacket pocket and it was so, so, so sad Jesus.

After staying completely silent for a torturously long period of one year, John Travolta finally broke his legendary silence on his gaffe from last year's Oscars. It turns out that he didn't call Idina Menzel "Adel Dazeem" because he just figured it couldn't be that hard to introduce an award show performance, but because he was distracted by a "charismatic, sexy, beautiful" woman (Goldie Hawn).

You may have thought that Imitation Game writer Graham Moore's acceptance speech for Best Adapted Screenplay last night was his way of sharing his experiences as a young gay man who tried to commit suicide because he felt like he "didn't belong." You may have thought his "Stay weird," credo was his It Gets Better '15 Remix. You'd be wrong.

As part of his recurring Lie Witness News gag, professional prank guy Jimmy Kimmel sent a producer to the Oscars to ask fans ridiculous and obviously untrue questions about some of the more obscure Best Picture nominations. Sample question: "How do you think Angelina Jolie did as Rosa Parks in Selma?… Do you think she brought a sexiness to that scene on the bus?" Unsurprisingly, the perhaps-coached fans fell for the fake questions and responded with predictably stupid and funny answers.

Ever imagine what it would be like to win an Oscar? Like, what would you wear? Whom would you thank? And what would the after parties be like with that little gold guy under your arm? Last night's Best Actress and Actor winners Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne probably thought: something nice, my mom, and freakin' sick, respectively, but they forgot to factor in one all-important variable:

Sean Penn drew this year's Best Picture announcement, and he revealed Birdman as the winner with a bizarre and racist joke about Mexican director Alejandro González Iñárritu: "Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?" What a way to end the show!

John Travolta and Idina Menzel presented Best Original Song tonight with a bit that referenced Travolta's pronunciation screw up at last year's Academy Awards, which you certainly have never forgotten nor wished to forget. The whole thing was totally boring and predictable but it did include a very normal interaction between Travolta, a man, and Menzel, a woman.

John Legend and Common came together tonight for a stirring performance of "Glory," the song they wrote for civil rights film Selma. Because the Oscars have thus far been lackluster, uncomfortable, and flat (as they tend to be), watching the two perform "Glory" on an Edmund Pettus Bridge was tonight's standout and the night ain't even over.

Host Neil Patrick Harris welcomed Selma star David Oyelowo and Cake star Jennifer Aniston to the stage this evening with these words: "It's my pleasure to welcome two people who absolutely deserve to be here tonight: Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo!"

While doing that thing where people come out and talk about nominees for Best Picture (in this case: Whiplash, The Imitation Game, and Selma), Terrence Howard almost started crying. When he did this, I thought he was leading into an introduction of the notoriously snubbed Civil Rights drama Selma. He was not leading into that, but into The Imitation Game, the Alan Turing biopic. OK, then. I guess he really likes Alan Turing?

The "In Memoriam" montage at the Oscars this year looked beautiful, but brrr—chilly!

The Oscars never forgets to honor its dead with an outsize, syrupy montage embedded somewhere in the last half of the broadcast when most of the audience is drunk or sleeping. This year there were many personalities to be remembered: Robin Williams, Mike Nichols, a few marketing directors that were likely important in some way, and for some reason Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

The Academy Awards that go to movies you haven't seen are usually a little forgettable, but check this out: two British dudes just won for short film, and one of them pretended his statuette was his willie.

Patricia Arquette's acceptance speech is the one to beat, and no one believes this more than her fellow nominee Meryl Streep. Accepting the trophy for her supporting role in Boyhood, Arquette made things political in the most plainspoken way possible:

Miles Teller, a drummer, and Margot Robbie, a babe, presented the award for best Sound Editing in a feature film. Miles Teller needs to distance himself from major nerd status, so why not ask this lady out? You see the incredibly sexual tension between these two?

Theory: Neil Patrick Harris stuffed his underwear for his Birdman bit at the Oscars.

After the very beautiful and very boring Polish movie Ida won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film, director Pawel Pawlikowski spoke for about 30 seconds before the orchestra began playing him off, just as he was thanking his late wife. As the music swelled so did Pawlikowski's voice, until the show's producers finally admitted defeat and cut off the orchestra. His steadfastness inspires us all.