Johnny Depp, who is not well, will marry his 28-year-old sweetheart Amber Heard next weekend in the Bahamas, according to Page Six. If you are one of the 50 guests invited to this event, beware: "accommodations are so sparse" that you will be sleeping on a boat.

John Creech, the longtime suspect in the disappearance and killing of Fox film distribution exec Gavin Smith, was charged with Smith's murder Thursday. Creech is currently serving an eight-year prison sentence for a separate drug charge.

When she is not getting her makeup done by mystery persons at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut, inmate Teresa Giudice is getting into the best shape of her life. An "insider" tells Us Weekly: "Every night she hits the gym and has been asking friends to send her workout videos."

Four hundred and ninety-six days until Kristin Cavallari's debut book Balancing on Heels drops, and today she points us to a mystery. Might she explain this mystery in her book? Hard to say, but here it is: If Kristin had to pick one person as her best friend, who would she pick?

Life takes its toll. To my knowledge, no one has ever said, "Life does not take its toll." It certainly does, and that is certainly the saying, and it certainly seems to have taken its toll on Johnny Depp, an actor who has gone insane.

Ted, about a stuffed animal who talks like Peter Griffin if Family Guy was porn, is getting a sequel. On June 26, the digitally-rendered teddy bear with no sexual organs and only smooth plush where a dick might be and his (human) bride will make their family of two a trio—but they'll need Mark Wahlberg's sperm to help.

James Middleton, brother to Kate Middleton, brother-in-law to Prince William, and uncle to holy terror Prince George, has not had an easy go of it, according to James Middleton. In a new interview with an iPad app, James says that being the younger brother of a duchess "does get frustrating."

Lil Wayne has filed a $51 million breach of contract lawsuit against Cash Money and its founder, his adopted father Bryan "Birdman" Williams. Wayne claims the label never paid him for Tha Carter V, his final studio album (at least until someone pays him $25 million to make another one). It was due out in May, then delayed until December, due to Wayne's dispute with the label.

Nick Carter is freaking out. Around a conference table with the other adult members of the Backstreet Boys, he is out of his chair, stabbing a finger in the direction of Brian Littrell, yelling coarsely and without self-control: "You shut the fuck up, you shut the fuck up, I swear to god. Don't talk to me that way." The other people at the table try to calm him down but he is resolute in his anger.

It was reported yesterday that Lindsay Lohan, scrambling to stay out of jail, tried to pass off a fan meet and greet in London as community service. Today, TMZ reveals Lohan also spent a good chunk of her community service allowing young people to follow her around. Selfless!

Chelsea Handler's ongoing quest to keep a photo of her bare nipples up on Instagram hasn't been successful so far, so she decided to tackle something a little easier—the Middle East peace process. Her latest topless photo, shot on a trip to Jerusalem, has her posing topless on a camel while wearing Israeli flag pasties.

Peter Sarsgaard, Zachary Quinto, Brian Cox, and Michael Nouri, stars of the commercial for The Slap, accidentally paid more money than they expected to pay for lunch at Madison Avenue's Nello. ...Or did they?

Last night, after making a perfectly adequate appearance on Ellen, Justin Bieber posted a video on some impenetrable new app apologizing to fans for being "conceited" and "arrogant" for the last 12 to 18 months of his life. "I just want to be kind, and loving, and gentle, and soft," he says. Justin Bieber, please calm down.

Today, Kristin is distracted from writing her debut book Balancing on Heels—due out in 497 days—by her own (low) weight. She tells E! News, "I can look really skinny and I don't like that look. So, yes, I'm drinking protein shakes, I'm trying to put on muscle and I'm lifting very heavy weight right now."

Lauren Conrad may seem like a harmless pile of jewel-toned tank tops layered, one on top of the other, into the shape of a great gal who just wants to live her dream of designing bold statement necklaces and reasonably-priced headbands for Kohl's®, but please sit down and calmly listen to what I am about to tell you: She is actually a G.D. liar who can't even be honest about what her favorite metallic hue has always been.

Florence Henderson, best known for playing Carol on The Brady Bunch (and second-best known for going on a date with the actor who played her son Greg, Barry Williams), is proud to say that she is 80, she can fuck, and she can do it without strings. She recently told Closer Weekly, a tabloid that merges the sensibilities of Life & Style with those of AARP the Magazine, that she currently has a casual, friends-with-benefits arrangement with a chiropractor who lives in Fort Lauderdale, Fla:

Busy, besieged by disease Lindsay Lohan is in a mad rush to complete 240 hours of community service this week or be thrown back in the slammer. Good news: She managed to finish 80 hours in just nine days! But as with all things Lohan, not all is as it would appear.

What's in a name? If you're Keira Knightley, an "ei," which is fucked up.