In January 2013, former reality TV personality Kristin Cavallari attended a branded, semi-outdoor event for Gillette razors in Chicago. Though the weather was surely freezing, she gave the paparazzi a rare opportunity to take photos of her.

Five years ago this week, Kristin Cavallari attended Comic-Con in San Diego, where she spoke to a CNN iReporter for some reason. The reporter did not want to know much about Kristin, but he did ask about Lindsay Lohan, who had just surrendered to jail for failing to attend court-ordered alcohol education classes. “Let’s talk about Lindsay Lohan,” he said. Kristin obliged.

Congratulations are in order: Kristin Cavallari, official spokesperson of the fake bangs company Secret Bangs™, has made a sale...to Defamer.com. Today we purchased one pair of Secret Bangs™ in the secret shade of “Dark Blonde” for $29.99. Here’s hoping they look just like this:

As she will proudly tell you, fledgling memoirist Kristin Cavallari named her one of her sons “Camden” and the other “Jaxon.” While no other Earth child currently carries the name Jaxon, there are other Camdens. One of those lesser Camdens, in particular, makes Kristin feel bitchy.

Twenty days of Kristin ago, Kristin Cavallari chose to forsake her followers in pursuit of cold, hard cash by making the once free-to-access Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android cost $2.99. Per month. Readers (?) of the app revolted, and so seven days later, Kristin quietly expressed a change of heart.

Kristin Cavallari recently got fake bangs for an infomercial—a fact she would like the public to promptly forget. They look like this:

Below is a 2013 Getty photo of Kristin Cavallari applying lip gloss at the ULTA Beauty “Kiss Cart,” which somehow benefitted the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

On Thursday evening, Kristin Cavallari announced via Instagram that her forthcoming baby will be a girl. “Our new addition!” Kristin exclaimed in the caption of photo of her holding little pink sneakers. “The boys are so excited to have a little sister on the way!!!”

Kristin Cavallari, whose debut book Balancing in Heels is scheduled to to enter this world in 344 days, is also pregnant with a baby who will get here much faster. Kristin announced via Instagram last night that the child will be girl.

Sixty-four days of Kristin ago, incipient author Kristin Cavallari teased yet another one of her varied, seemingly random projects: Secret Bangs™. “Having fun on set with my #secretbangs,” she wrote in the caption of an Instagram photo of her wearing fake bangs. She’s since deleted the photo—for some reason—but the bangs...the bangs live on.

Kristin Cavallari, proprietor of the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android, has published several posts on the app under her byline over the last year—posts with words and almost-words like “anyways,” “techy,” “science lab,” and “bakini.”

One year ago this month, Kristin Cavallari went shopping. I mean, of course she did, but I know for a fact she went shopping at a certain bargain home furnishings chain store in Los Angeles because there are many, many, many meticulously staged paparazzi photos of this shopping excursion available for purchase and publication online.

It’s Kristin Cavallari’s half-birthday. Today, she is 28.5 years old.

In honor of Independence Day, we will now relay an independent thought Kristin Cavallari once had about politics.

As you enjoy your burgers, your beer, and your patriotic crop tops this weekend, remember: “Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.”

Below is the text of a blind item from May 4, 2007:

Seven days of Kristin ago, Ms. Kristin Cavallari did a rude thing: She made the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android, which was once free, cost $2.99. Per month. Her followers were outraged, announcing in droves on Instagram that they would be deleting the app and reading Lauren Conrad’s free blog instead.

Is Kristin Cavallari even more stylish than we thought?

Like a majority of citizens across these United States, former reality star and current designer of the Kristin Cavallari for Chinese Laundry shoe line Kristin Cavallari welcomed the Supreme Court’s landmark gay marriage decision on Friday. She celebrated her shoes:

Would Kristin Cavallari, who is pregnant, pose nude (while pregnant)? That’s the question we asked yesterday, and today, we will provide Kristin’s answer. If you have not had time to ponder this question yet, you may do so quietly in your head now.