Zap2it.com has a very handy schedule of all of the 2004 television season finales. For instance, tonight is the last episode of Scrubs on NBC at 9:30 p.m. And we all know that Friends goes away—FOREVER—this Thursday. But is Zap2it a master of subtle parody? Not only does it seems like they're making up shows for the schedule (come on, both a Like Family and a Happy Family?), they're making up entire networks. UPN? ABC? We're pretty sure we've never heard of either of those.

A spy reports from the filming of the first half-hour of the upcoming, hour-long Friends series finale. Beware, and continue only if you want some of the details of the final episode ruined for you. We love spoilers, so we read them, and were really surprised that Chandler was deported to Mexico and Phoebe was fatally mauled by ferrets. Trust us, it all makes sense in context. Read on...

Gossiplist has a potential Bachelor spoiler (so read only at your own peril). It seems that possibly-cut Giants third-string quarterback and rose-bearer Jesse Palmer might be taking his snaps from contestant Tara, as a local paper in her Oklahoma hometown has spotted him there (though we suppose he could have been there for an on-camera "Meet the Parents"). And Tara likes the football types; she got engaged to one that played for the University of Oklahoma during their 2001 Rose Bowl appearance. Perhaps he can hold down a roster spot in the NFL better than Palmer?

While the rest of the media zigs under a rock to avoid FCC censure in the wake of the Premeditatedly-Exposed Titty That Ate The World, HBO zagged and crammed at least 63 permutations of the "f-word" [Ed. note—"Fuck"] into last night's episode of Deadwood, according to Ann Oldenburg of USA Today. She fails to tally the instances of "cocksucker" in the Western's dialogue; our unofficial count came to "Jesus, they swear a lot on this show." We're going to assume that while Oldenburg could demurely refer to the "f-word" [Ed. note—"Fuck"] in her article, it would have been a little harder to work in a reference to the more obscure label "CS-word" or the phonetically-minded "See-Esser."

NBC primetime development president Kevin Reilly will become president of NBC Entertainment later this month, according to Variety. He'll still report to Jeff Zucker, who is president of NBC Entertainment, News, and Cable Group. [Ed. note—Yes, these titles are all perfectly clear.] "Kevin is perfectly positioned to help NBC continue its tremendous run," Zucker said Monday. "He's worked hard on a promising new development slate for next year."

WENN reports that NBC may have failed once again trying to translate a British show for consumption in the states. Test audiences aren't loving the de-crumpeted pilot of The Office. Said a source, "...it was painfully clear that nobody was liking it. The lady next to me said that she found it depressing."

Fox's The Swan, the makeover show that takes so-called "ugly ducklings," slaps enormous, fake tits on them, then prods the better experiment results into a Frankenstein's bride beauty pageant, has been picked up for a second season. They've already begun casting for the second edition's scalpel-fodder.

Banterist seems more than a little displeased with Elton John's loony accusations that last week's American Idol voting was racist. He writes an open letter to the pop legend turned Disney soundtrack factory:

Everyone seems to be all in a titty-twisting tizzy over 20/20's announcement that they will be televising a segment tomorrow night in which a 16-year-old's newborn baby will be adopted by one of five desperate couples. The controversy really centers around ABC's decision to present the adoption as a sort of reality TV contest, with "winners" and "losers."

First we have Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban producing movies and starring in his own reality show, The Benefactor, in which he gives away a million dollars. According to the Hollywood Reporter, now the Maloof brothers, owners of the Sacramento Kings and the Palms Casino in Vegas, getting into television production with MGM. And guess what? They're going to have a show where they give away a pile of cash, just like Cuban.

NBC is gauging advertisers $2 million for each 30-second ad spot on the Friends finale. We can think of a lot of uses for that kind of cash, and using it to sell feminine hygiene products or light beer in between incidents of Chandler sarcasm isn't very high on that list. Of course, the good news is that is that after an hour of commercial breaks, the Friends producers will be able to afford to pay off the lawsuits of twenty irate former writers' assistants traumatized by being forced to endure speculation about the contents of Courteney Cox's uterus.

Okay, there's not much more info than what's in the headline. But blogger Katherine Rosman says it's going down today. Who will Trump choose to sell his lemonade and ignore his comb-over? We pray it's not this guy.

Steven Bochco, creator and executive producer of NYPD Blue, crows over his and former ABC President Susan Lyne's accomplishment of slipping the word "bullshit" into his show.

Ridiculous eyewear model/spendthrift crooner Elton John thinks that American Idol's audience is "incredibly racist" after several black contestants found themselves on the bottom of viewer voting.

Coming soon to whatever channel onto which other countries dump their own version of "urban" programming: America's Next Top Model. The UPN hit has been sold to 40 countries, as well as licensed for original, local versions. According to THR, the Russian version is already looking strong. But who's the Russian Tyra Banks? They'd probably be better off getting pop-star/fake lesbian act TaTu to judge. You know the Russians wouldn't cut the inevitable orgy scene.

Salon interviews reality TV's villain of the moment, Drew Abruzzese, The Restaurant's "intern from hell." For those of you who aren't watching, young Drew immediately endeared himself to the staff of Rocco's 22nd Street by serving free booze (he's underage) to some tarted-up chicks from behind the bar and by calling Rocco DiSpirito, the show's star, "Captain Douchebag." Abruzzese is apparently trying to head all of this off at the pass before he becomes the new Omarosa.

If you're planning on watching TV on Wednesday, we hope you like Prince. MTV, MTV2, BET, VH1, and VH1 Classic will interrupt their normal schedules of pimping rides, following around semiretarded newlyweds with cameras, and endless talking-head commentary on pop culture ephemera to simultaneously broadcast a 30 minute Prince concert.

Pity poor Kelsey Grammer, star of one of the longest-running, most lucrative sitcoms in television history. He of the "$15 white trousers bought during one of his monthly trips to CostCo." Hmmm. That's an interesting detail that the NYT's Michael Joseph Gross chose to share in his profile of Grammer.

Never ones to disappoint, The Smoking Gun posts the papers from the Friends harassment lawsuit.

FOX is considering buying the TV rights to Mel Gibson's wildly successful examination of faith as an exercise in torture, The Passion of the Christ.