Ryan Seacrest wants kids to be just like him: no athletic ability, but a keen understanding of pop culture; Angelina Jolie's cheekbones are intended to terrify you; NBC relies on bribery to coax their actors into working; and your S&M fantasies just got pushed back six months by Universal.

  • Gone are the days of Olmec, AggroCrag, and sliming Marc Summers. Blonde Jesus Ryan Seacrest is bringing game shows back to Nickelodeon with Go Viral!, where kids will compete to see who knows more about viral video clips: what the outcome might be, how popular they'll be with the studio audience, etc. Because what else should kids know more about: fun athletic challenges, or videos they watched online when they could have been playing outside? [THR]
  • Disney released its first teaser trailer for Maleficent and Angelina Jolie is, as expected, terrifying. [YouTube]
  • NBC had to delay paying Jonathan Rhys Meyers the majority of his salary—almost $100,000 per episode—on Dracula to bribe him into staying sober for the entirety of the 10-episode shoot. [THR]
  • The 50 Shades of Grey release date was pushed from August 2014 to Valentine's Day weekend 2015, because nothing says romance like having your lover beat the shit out of you in the name of orgasm. [TheWrap]

Breakdowns is a daily roundup of all the news that wasn't interesting enough to deserve two paragraphs.