We all know how MPAA chief Jack Valenti feels about pirates. His dreams are haunted with visions of eye-patched buccaneers coming to rape away precious box office dollars from Shrek 2, and he'll natter on to anyone in earshot about the coming evil of widespread, improved broadband internet access, the movie pirate's equivalent of a 10-inch cock.
Former Disney president/"Gay Mafia" paranoiac Michael Ovitz claims in a court deposition that he earned every penny of his $140 million severance because he had to use his magical superagent powers to keep CEO Michael Eisner from running the company into the ground. Among these special abilities seems to be a gift for raiding an incredibly generous expense account, which he used to buy extravagant presents to keep Disney executives and talent (like future president Bob Iger and Home Improvement star Tim Allen) from quitting. Of course, "Breguet Aeronavale watches" and "Lichtenstein prints" may just be expense report translations for "hookers."
Hollywood's famous for allowing people to fail upwards, but Disney makes you a rich man for getting fired. Former Disney President/erstwhile superagent Michael Ovitz testified that he should be able to keep his $140 million severance package because he saved the company more than that by "fixing" CEO Michael Eisner's projects during his tenure. Meanwhile, Eisner will keep his entire $1 million base salary (no doubt just a drop in the bucket compared to money earned in bonuses and incentives), even though he was recently stripped of his chairman title.
Motion Picture Association of America topper Jack Valenti was again in action on Capitol Hill Wednesday, this time to discuss a bill that would allow consumers to make backup copies of movies on DVD, according to Variety. Valenti opposes changes to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) which would allow for the copying of DVDs, claiming that it would "devastate" the market. He further commented, "There are not nearly enough tiny people to hide in the duplicating machinery to enforce our copyrights, and even if there were, these anti-piracy munchkins would have no idea whether someone was making a copy for home use or for nefarious purposes. It's just not feasible. The tinies can't spend their entire days conducting investigations inside set-top boxes, they have gold to hide and teeth to collect."
Sure, this isn't the newsiest news we've ever heard, but since we've breathlessly been following the media blackout of the Writers Guild contract talks, it's worth mentioning: The writers and studios have adjourned talks until June 1st. This seems to be good news for the television networks at next week's "upfront" meetings, as they try make advertisers overpay for commercial time on ambitious sitcoms that are doomed to die on the vine and for the fourth iteration of Law & Order.
In a shocking turn of events that may cause a sharp, temporary downturn in Disney CEO Michael Eisner's effigy hangings by shareholders, The Walt Disney Company reported a 71% profit increase. It's probably premature to tell the investor mob to extinguish their torches and halt Molotov cocktail production. Don't worry, my pretties, soon the time will come where you can storm Sleeping Beauty's castle like the Bastille. Just be patient and try not to die from heatstroke inside those giant Mickey and Minnie heads.
Corpulent, fraternal Miramax heads Harvey and Bob Weinstein are negotiating to personally buy back Michael Moore's documentary Fahrenheit 911 from Disney, and are reportedly close to a deal which would allow them to find another distributor for the anti-Bush doc. There's too much talking in Hollywood these days; everything's a negotiation. Isn't Harvey obsessed with being an old-school movie mogul? Moguls kicked ass and took what they wanted. Harvey, here's a project for you: By the end of the week, we want to read, "Harvey Weinstein held Disney CEO Michael Eisner out of the 20th floor window of Disney's Burbank headquarters by his ankle, shaking him vigorously until he surrendered the rights to Fahrenheit 911."
Variety reports that the negotiations to renew Bob and Harvey Weinstein's contracts to run Mirmax past 2005 may have hit an impasse. The article's headline reads "Miramax headed for divorce court?" Aren't you a little tired of divorce metaphors? We prefer action-packed imagery of Harvey strangling Disney CEO Michael Eisner, who's got an unsigned contract stuffed in his mouth. Come on, Variety, you can use that to formulate one of your famous "Slanguage" headlines. How about "Mouse Topper Chokes On Harv's Offer?" You'll think of something.
If you're anything like us (and you probably are, except you're sober at your desk and much better paid), you've been scratching your head, wondering exactly how the new NBC Universal conglomerate will be organized. Who are the people under Universal chairman Stacey Snider in the chain of command? For the love of God, who's NBC Cable's David Zaslav reporting to?! Well, you can stop scratching. We have the new NBC Uni (can we all start calling it Nbuni? Please?) organizational chart for all of your stultifyingly boring reference needs. Click on the picture to get the full-size version, which is easily five times as thrilling and informative.
What's the best way to get the word out that the child molestation charges against you are patently false? Have your former managers put up a web site selling merchandise with snappy logos saying so! MJisinnocent.net has just launched, and is offering a variety of sartorial ways for Jacko fans to publicize their hero's innocence. They don't offer the underwear (yet), but when they do, we're coming for our cut.
Continuing our leisurely morning stroll through the trades...
The Writers Guild of America and the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers are back at the bargaining table today after a week-long recess to consider proposals. Nobody expects a deal any time soon, but with the networks revealing their Fall schedules to advertisers next week, the pressure to get some kind of agreement in place will be severe. It would be profoundly tragic if CBS's Les Moonves didn't squeeze every nickel out of the 30-second spots between their ten shows with the cute wives and the dumb, insensitive husbands.
NBC and Universal officially merged on Wednesday, creating the world's fifth-largest media concern, according to THR. Check out this steamy, conglomerate ugly-bumpin' action: "The merged entity will be able to leverage its scale by, for example, more aggressively using and cross-promoting content or negotiating better carriage deals with cable and satellite distributors." Hott! Come on, NBC Universal, get a room or we might have to turn a hose on you!
Yesterday, protesters from minority advocacy groups held a press conference at L.A. City Hall to criticize Nielsen Media Research's upcoming People Meter, which the groups fear will undercount minority television viewership, particulary in urban areas. Nielsen has already launched what Broadcasting & Cable calls a "public-relations counteroffensive," sending out 500 DVDs entitled "Everyone Counts," which assures people that their methodology strives to ensure that "all television audiences are fairly and accurately represented in our samples."
An insider offers observations on the negotiations between the Writers Guild and the studios, and it looks like the real winners are going to be the pharmacies and the realtors. (Actually, the pharmacies win pretty much every day in Hollywood, but we digress.) After last week's "negotiations broke down, pharmacies were flooded all over town with refill requests for Ambien, Xanax, Valium.....because lots of people are terrified, here, frankly."
More troubles for Disney CEO Michael Eisner and the new office fortifications he's installed to repel his marauding enemies:
One hundred striking French show business workers took over a studio at cable channel Canal Plus today, interrupting live broadcasts to protest unemployment benefit cuts, according to Variety. Some carried signs threatening a strike at the Cannes Film Festival which starts next week.
From the Department of Badly Timed Announcements: Today News Corp (parent of Fox) reported a quarterly profit increase of 69 percent, largely powered by strong DVD sales, according to Reuters.
