This Sunday, Keeping Up With the Kardashians returned to E! for its 11th season. Today, keen-eyed Kardashians scholar Mariah Smith returns to Gawker for her second season. Every week, Smith uses paparazzi photos, gossip-blog coverage, the family’s own Instagram and Twitter accounts, and common sense, to investigate, and establish a detailed and accurate shooting schedule of Keeping Up With the Kardashians—laying bare the distorted timelines and manufactured plotline of America’s royal family. Welcome back for another season of Keeping Up With the Kontinuity Errors.

In a recent, exclusive interview with PerezHilton.com, Kristin Cavallari discussed her stature (“very petite”), her career, and how she balances it all. It turns out that Kristin can’t say “yes” to every opportunity to host an event that comes her way.

Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston were married in a surprise ceremony at their Bel Air mansion in early August. We know the ceremony was fine, but was planning the ceremony fine? According to Justin Theroux, no. It was not.

Last week Woody Allen went to the same restaurant three days in a row. One day he brought Jesse Eisenberg. He had oysters each time. I know this, because the restaurant straight-up narced on him.

The 2015 Emmys have come and gone. All that’s left now is a faint whisper rustling through the trees outside of your window, a quick shot rushing through the veins of which your circulatory system is composed: Olive Kitteridge. Olive Kitteridge. Olive Kitteridge. Check out Olive* the winners below.

As promised, Kristin Cavallari has published another tailgating snack recipe on the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android in honor of football season. (The first recipe she posted was for “cheeseless queso.”) Today’s snack? “Stuffed jalapeños.”

Patti LaBelle is up to her old tricks: screaming at people. Last night at a concert in Vancouver, an audience member the diva had presumably invited to come dance onstage began unbuttoning his shirt. That wasn’t part of the deal Miss Patti had in her head, so she interrupted him and the music (“Lady Marmalade,” of course). “Don’t you dare, not on my stage!” she hollered. She explained with what initially seemed like good humor, “I am not Nicki Minaj or that little, uh, Miley.” The dancer took this as an opportunity to arch his back and present his ass to her. Here’s a tip: Do not arch your back and present your ass to Patti LaBelle.

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As you may remember, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were incapable of hiding their disdain for both each other and their lightly-sexy sex movie 50 Shades of Grey throughout the press tour for 50 Shades of Grey, which took place earlier this year. Johnson is currently making the rounds for her new film Black Mass, but still can’t shake the fact that oh my god she hated that other movie so fucking much.

On Day 61 of Kristin, Kristin Cavallari made an announcement on Instagram about her forthcoming book Balancing in Heels (then titled Balancing on Heels). “Just perfected these almond butter cookies,” she wrote. “Recipe is going in my book, Balancing On Heels [thumbs up emoji].”

As Kristin Cavallari will tell you, tonight marks Kristin Cavallari’s third appearance at New York Fashion Week. She is hosting a party for the Kristin Cavallari for Chinese Laundry shoe line, of course. But what was Kristin’s first NYFW appearance?

Kristin Cavallari is currently in New York City to host the Kristin Cavallari for Chinese Laundry Kia Style360 New York Fashion Week party, but this morning, she made time to host something else. Alongside a woman who used to be married to Billy Joel, Kristin co-hosted Yahoo! Style’s one-week-only online news show, “#NYFWCoffeeBreak.”

The Kardashians are the most omnipresent family in America, but that also requires them to be the most manufactured. Their reality television show is revealing, but it is of course controlled by them as well. Their insanely popular apps are a mirage.

Leonardo DiCaprio, actor and founding member of the Pussy Posse, is in town for fashion week or for another reason, and guess what—he’s partying.

Brad Pitt, an actor who is apparently obsessed with World War II in both his personal and professional life, now gets to live the Nazi dream on a $385,000 Nazi-era motorcycle.

Jessica Simpson put married people on blast last night when she posted a black-and-white photo of her husband on Instagram with the caption, “My husband is hotter than yours!” Ouch.

Today, Kristin Cavallari wished a happy birthday on Twitter to her former Hills cast mate and published author Heidi Montag.

Bradley Cooper is making the rounds promoting his upcoming film Burnt, and he recently was the subject of a Details magazine cover story. No doubt drunk on Wet Hot American Summer-fueled goodwill, Cooper chose to tell Details, and, through Details, us all, a brazen and outrageous lie.

Earlier today, we brought you the story of famous sibling Kylie Jenner’s bodyguards shoving Honey actress Jennifer Alba out of the way at a fashion show. Surprisingly, it turns out a lot of Gawker readers can relate to Kylie Jenner.

Amber Heard, a blonde who recently married Johnny Depp, invited her mother to a screening of Depp’s Whitey Bulger biopic Black Mass last night. Let what transpired at the end of the red carpet be a lesson to everyone, most of all Amber Heard’s mother.