Michael Lohan, the famously estranged father of Lindsay, is doing about as well as you’d expect, which is to say: not good. TMZ reports that child services took his two young children away last week following a “blowout argument” with his estranged wife, Kate Major.

Last week, we recounted the time in 2010 that Kristin Cavallari publicly offered advice to Lindsay Lohan via a CNN reporter at Comic-Con. The advice—for a recently incarcerated Lindsay—was this:

Five years ago this week, Kristin Cavallari attended Comic-Con in San Diego, where she spoke to a CNN iReporter for some reason. The reporter did not want to know much about Kristin, but he did ask about Lindsay Lohan, who had just surrendered to jail for failing to attend court-ordered alcohol education classes. “Let’s talk about Lindsay Lohan,” he said. Kristin obliged.

When we last checked in with Lindsay Lohan, she needed to complete a mathematically implausible 115 hours of community service in 15 days, after failing to report to Duffield Children’s Center in Fort Green Monday and Tuesday. But things are looking up for Lindsay, because we can confirm she has served her community by trimming at least one (1) small tree branch.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer Shawn Holley appeared in court this morning to let the judge know that Lindsay has completed all 125 of her required community service hours stemming from a 2012 reckless driving ca—JK, Lindsay has only completed nine hours and 45 minutes of service so far. Lindsaayyyy.

Oh, Lindsay. Poor, sweet Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan—semi-famous young woman who is just trying to take every day as it comes—attempted to post an image on Instagram this afternoon of the words “You’re beautiful,” written in Arabic. Instead, she posted an image of the words “You’re an ass,” written in Arabic.

Lindsay Lohan is the most recent celebrity to look at a photo of herself and think, "Probably I can Photoshop this and no one will notice."

Fearing jail time for not completing her court-ordered community service, Lindsay Lohan has allegedly tried to count greeting fans and letting young people follow her around toward the total 240 hours she owes. Today, TMZ reports that Lindsay has also tried to count performing onstage as service to her community.

After attempting to pass off greeting fans and letting young people follow her around as community service, Lindsay Lohan is due back in court this Wednesday to prove that her 240 completed hours are legit. Prosecutor Terry White has been investigating Lindsay's work, which she completed through a London-based organization literally called Community Service Volunteers.

It was reported yesterday that Lindsay Lohan, scrambling to stay out of jail, tried to pass off a fan meet and greet in London as community service. Today, TMZ reveals Lohan also spent a good chunk of her community service allowing young people to follow her around. Selfless!

Busy, besieged by disease Lindsay Lohan is in a mad rush to complete 240 hours of community service this week or be thrown back in the slammer. Good news: She managed to finish 80 hours in just nine days! But as with all things Lohan, not all is as it would appear.

It's an exciting time in the charity scene right now—both Lindsay Lohan and Chris Brown are scrambling to finish hundreds of community service hours in order to avoid jail time and pursue their chosen endeavors. Chris announced last night that he's been forced to postpone his tour until he completes 100 hours.

Did you hear? Lohan Lohan was recently diagnosed with the incurable mosquito virus Chikungunya in Bora Bora. She was hospitalized in London this week with a "high fever" and "joint pain," and it was all very hectic, which means Lindsay has not completed her court-ordered community service hours due next week, TMZ reports.

Enthusiastic storyteller Lindsay Lohan told an interviewer this weekend that while she was doing 12-hour shifts in a morgue as court-ordered punishment for drunk driving, she handled Whitney Houston's dead body. The work was, as she recalls, "F'd up and inappropriate."

Last week, In Touch Weekly revealed a partial list of Hollywood men who have, perhaps, performed sexually with Lindsay Lohan. According to the magazine, Lohan was at the Beverly Hills Hotel in 2013, wrote the list of conquests to "impress her friends," and then "tossed it aside." Oops!

Drunkenly writing down a list of dudes you've fucked is a potentially understandable offense. But leaving the list behind at a hotel bar is a spectacularly dumb move, even for Lindsay Lohan.

Given that our nation has nothing else majorly important to focus on right now, it's easy to get swept up in Miley mania and wonder where it all went so wrong. But before we chalk this all up to Miley just bein' Miley, it's important to remember that someone showed her the way—America's ginger sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan. So just who is taking the crown for baddest bitch of this millennium?

Coming soon (and long overdue, in our humble opinion): the doll version of everyone's favorite, hard-partying, all-natural starlet, Lindsay Lohan. According to Mattel, "this doll captures the likeness of Lindsay Lohan, and her fun, trendy outfit complements her fashion-forward sense of style." We've taken the liberty of pointing out the doll's finer features, confident that it will be flying off the shelves of a toy store near you faster than you can say, "You want to see my driver's license? Don't you know who I am?"