The campaign to humanize Justin Bieber continues. Is it going well? Not exactly. I guess it depends on how you feel about Justin Bieber already, but to be honest, sometimes it's hard to figure out what he's even talking about. Examine:

There are certain things we all know about Michael Jackson. The moonwalk, for one. His large catalogue of very good songs, and then also Weird Al Yankovic's catalogue of very good Michael Jackson song parodies, for another. We know that he was friends, in a way, with Macaulay Culkin—etc., etc. But there is one thing I bet almost none of us know about Michael Jackson, and that is: he was perfect at prank phone calls.

There comes a time in every young man's life when he must strike out on his own. For Aubrey Graham, that time was 2009, when he left the Canadian band Degrassi to become a rapper named Drake. For Zayn Malik, that time was last week, when he quit One Direction to...also become a rapper named Drake?

Before Kristin Cavallari embarked on the ambitious journey of drafting her debut memoir Balancing on Heels—coming to an Amazon.com near you in 436 days—she was busy popularizing catchphrases like "butt-hurt" and "Stee-pheeennnnn" on MTV's Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.

Today, the New Yorker has an excellent profile of Hollywood casting director Allison Jones, the woman who discovered Jonah Hill and "McLovin," among others. In the article, it becomes clear that Jones, while an extremely funny person, doesn't write as often as her talent should dictate, or as her collaborators might like:

Does anyone have it harder than Kit Harington? You may think yes, but—god love you—that's just because you're stupid. God, you're so stupid you make me sick.

The only insider trading Martha Stewart was doing this time around was: trading tips on how to get out of an elevator (from inside an elevator)!

Jon Hamm, who recently completed a 30-day stint in rehab, is headed to our televisions on April 5 in the return of AMC's Mad Men. But why wasn't he headed to our movie screens back on October 3 when Gone Girl came out? Hmm. A good question.

It's 77 degrees and partly cloudy in Los Angeles today. Namaste.

Kristin, you should call your almond butter cookies "ABC's."

Almost 9 weeks ago, former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari commenced miserable toil on her debut book, which she has chosen to call Balancing on Heels. At the time, she stated the tome would encompass "really just everything in my life." Today, we can finally reveal the first confirmed part of "everything."

Zayn—what's going on in his brain? So many thoughts he can't contain. He had to give his mouth free rein, so an exclusive interview The Sun obtain(ed)—Zayn.

In a dark meeting of brands, David Hasselhoff agreed to an interview with Yahoo! about his forthcoming Vine ad campaign for Clorox (yes). The Hoff sees himself as the perfect fit for six-second advertisements for cleaning products, and allowing him to explain why and how was a mistake.

The overwhelming popularity of the HBO miniseries The Jinx has brought down shame on the Durst family name. Dursts everywhere, whether directly related to the NYC real estate family or not, have had to assert their independence from the alleged serial killer. The man most often confused for a murderer? Limp Bizkit vocalist William "Fred" Durst.

Despite his best efforts, James Franco was spotted at a Broadway show recently—or was he? He was. He was wearing a disguise!

As Eva Mendes desperately tries to sell the Eva Mendes for New York & Company clothing line, which is probably being pitched as "feminine" and "flirty," she must remind you: pants are bad and uncomfortable. Dresses (from the Eva Mendes for New York & Company collection) are great. But pants? No, thank you.

In 2006, Kristin Cavallari—whose debut book drops in 440 days—hosted a little-watched reality show called Get This Party Started on UPN. Here's a paper advertisement for it. The program ran for only two episodes during the month of February, but at least five more were taped, never to air.

This dude chatted with Justin Bieber on a mountain for twenty minutes, says this dude.

Sophie Hunter, the woman Benedict Cumberbatch chose to marry instead of you and also instead of me, so sorry to us, unveiled her one-of-a-kind Valentino wedding gown in Vogue and on Instagram today.

"There's something about you. I can't leave you alone. I'm like a moth to a flame," Christian Grey once told Anastasia Steele. In a statement released today, director Sam Taylor-Johnson told the 50 Shades of Grey franchise the opposite. (In a way.)