If it wasn't clear from when they went to a kid's amusement park last week and kissed each other on the mouths, singer Ariana Grande confirmed in a recent interview that she is really dating rapper Big Sean, who is now officially tasked with protecting her from any further ghost/demon experiences.

John Cleese made fun of Taylor Swift's cat Olivia Benson on the Graham Norton Show last week. Which is a huge mistake, John Cleese! Taylor Swift is someone with a demonstrated history of not being able to handle gentle ribbing on talk/awards shows, despite her proclamation to "shake it off." You know what you get for making fun of Taylor Swift? A song written about you that gets played everywhere and listened to by everyone who knows it's about you, man. The fallout from being the subject of a Taylor Swift song is not something to joke about: No one has seen Jake Gyllenhaal in two years; Harry Styles is being photographed vomiting on the side of the road.

Did you watch Saturday Night Live this past Saturday with host Bill Hader, your favorite person who plays Stefon? Like, on TV. Like, at night. Like, when it airs across the nation live. You probably didn't. No one did!

Jessie J, a pop singer whose livelihood depends on the success of her recent collaboration with known diva Ariana Grande, told US Weekly last night that Ariana Grande is not a diva. "Not at all," she said. Nooope, definitely not a diva, please don't kill me, Suspected Serial Killer Ariana Grande.

In an ad for Burger King chicken nuggets that aired last night on Fox during its football programming, a vaguely unhinged man interviews two teens on the street in a bit that comedian Billy Eichner says is stolen from his act.

As we are all well aware, Cameron Diaz—celebrity—and Benji Madden—second-most-famous Madden brother in early-2000s PacSun tribute group Good Charlotte—are dating. Rumors arose in July that the couple might (somehow) be on the path to marriage, and today People reports that they may have taken the first step.

Nielsen, the far-too-powerful institution that measures television ratings—and by association, is the governing body by which hundreds of thousands working in the television industry are beholden to for their very livelihood—announced today a major fuck-up: A system error has resulted in faulty ratings reports since March of this year.

Haunted beardo Shia LaBeouf kicked off his "I'm normal now, LOL" tour today on The Ellen Show, where he claimed he's been behaving badly for the past year or so because his parents never loved him. He's also "sorry" about that time he spit on a cop. "That's a no-no," he admitted.

Britt Robertson goes to a wheat field for a sec (she touched a pin—you'll see) while George Clooney speaks soothingly about "a secret place where nothing was impossible" in the new teaser trailer for Disney's upcoming feature Tomorrowland.

Big Sean and Lil' Ariana Grande confirmed their PG romance this week by making out on a roller coaster—the Revenge of the Mummy on Halloween Horror Night at Universal Studios Hollywood, to be exact. Spooky! Good thing they had each other if they got scared.

Months after Paula Patton and Robin Thicke announced their separation, Patton has finally formally filed for divorce. So sorry, Robin, my man! Did she give Paula one last spin, just to make sure? Can you call her and ask?

Film writers Fariha Roísín and Sara Black McCulloch are covering the New York Film Festival this year as a series of conversations about the festival and its programming. The second dispatch includes Paul Thomas Anderson's Inherent Vice, starring Joaquin Phoenix in adaptation of Thomas Pynchon's book of the same title.

Last night at the Most Powerful Women Summit in Laguna Niguel, California, Most Powerful Woman Gwyneth Paltrow clapped back at one Martha Stewart, who suggested last month that Gwyn should "be quiet." Gwyn's "psyched," honestly, to perfectly butcher Stewart and serve her up on a $300 carving board.

If you follow America's first family, the Kardashians, on Instagram, you know that youngest daughter Kylie Jenner has been sporting some truly gnarly hair extensions recently. Now we know why: she's getting her own line of extensions called Kylie Hair Kouture. The Kardashian empire grows.

Did you recently lose a $4,700 check? Don't fret: New York City's own Carrie Bradshaw found it for you, right on the streets of the Big Apple. That's what I call a miracle on 34th street—time for a Cosmo!

Above you see a house in Los Angeles that Meryl Streep recently sold to Alex Rodriguez for $4.8 million. Here we are gazing out from the living room onto the patio. It's a beautiful home, no doubt. But—but!—what the hell is that pool?

58 days until Peter Pan airs live on NBC.

In the love rhombus that is Justin Bieber's life, there are many brown-haired players. Last night, piss baby Bieber Instagrammed and then deleted a pic of his on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez. Is he just trying to get her back after maybe hooking up with a Kardashian and a French lady in Paris?

Members of the Groundlings improv comedy troupe have accused Saturday Night Live—where a number of Groundlings alums have gone on to be cast members and hosts—of stealing a sketch idea that aired during this past Saturday's episode with host Sarah Silverman.

Eventually this show will no longer be on TV. Stay strong.